The Fragile Dreamers
by Innocent Disaster
Summary: When the world falls apart at your fingertips, what can you do to save the ones you love? Ch. 12 up. Warnings: Yaoi, rape, self mutilation, and character death. Enjoy!
1. Another Facade Crumbles

**The Fragile Dreamers**

_Author's Note: Greetings! This story will hopefully span many a chapter, if my plans go correctly. There only major thing in this story that I have changed from the original game is that Irvine will not be making an appearance, nor will they discuss him. I just really disliked him, and tend to write those people out of my stories, unless they can further the plot. Some sexuality differences, but hey, I need to have some fun._

_Disclaimer: I do not own the character of Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does. Duh._

I can't run anymore,  
I fall before you,  
Here I am,  
I have nothing left,  
Though I've tried to forget,  
You're all that I am,  
Take me home,  
I'm through fighting it,  
Broken,  
Lifeless,  
I give up,  
You're my only strength,  
Without you,  
I can't go on,  
Anymore,  
Ever again.

"_October" by Evanescence_

Chapter One: Another Façade Crumbles

The room was dark, moonlight played shadows creeping toward the bed like wraiths. She sat, shivering, huddled in a tight ball against the headboard. Tears ran down her face, silently. The one thing she didn't want was to awaken the man sitting in a chair across the room.

At the age of twelve Rinoa Heartily already knew fear. She wished she had had a different life all along, that she wasn't cursed with the one she was given. Some called her lucky, that she was the daughter of a well-known and well-respected politician, but they never saw what lurked beneath the surface. They never knew what happened when the sun fell beneath the horizon, how night after night she sank sullen, defeated into an abyss of other's sick fantasies.

It started with just her father, slinking into her room, trying not to wake her. Sometimes before the sun was about to rise, others when the sun had just set and her hair was still damp from the shower. Whispering sweet words in her ear, he would straddle her and warn her against saying anything loudly or to anyone else after the fact.

Soon it became clear that other politicians, sometimes the leaders of groups her father was trying to win a vote with, were the ones sneaking in through windows, opening the door with a slight creak, followed by her father. Always they had their way, thanked him, and left without another word.

Scared to death of what her father would do to her if she told anybody, she went on, smiling for the cameras. By the time she was thirteen she had perfected the fake smile, known how to avoid the right questions, and be the person her father needed her to be.

Inside, she was crumbling, falling apart. Lost in the darkness that shrouded her, she began her own rituals. Each night, after the visitor left, she made sure that her father was safely down the hall before rising from her bed.

The soft carpeting met her bare feet as she padded gently down the hallway, the door to the bathroom looming, offering a dark release.

When her father discovered blood on the bathtub one day, he began sleeping in her room with her after the company left. He told her that if he ever caught her doing what he suspected her of doing, he would be forced to get professional help for her, and how would that make him look to the press? Not even able to control his own daughter! She wouldn't want to ruin his career, would she?

Now all she did was cry herself to sleep, clutching her skinny legs to her chest. She was so tired of trying to fight this, so tired of everything…

* * *

Rinoa awoke, grabbing at the air. Her hair clung to her forehead by sweat and her breathing was heavy and rapid. The nightmare memories had always come and gone, but lately they seemed to have intensified. It was over; she was away from her father, and strong enough to fight back.

Still… she was drenched in a cold sweat, and the spot in the bed beside her was empty. Running her hand along the expanse of white sheet, she felt it was cold. Wherever he was, Squall had been gone for awhile.

She threw the covers off her and slipped out of the bed. Her silken nightgown rippled in the breeze coming through the French doors that led out to the balcony. They had remained in Balamb Garden after the sorceress incident, as had all the others. Edea was with Cid at the orphanage, and in his absence Quistis was headmistress of the school.

Squall stood motionless, letting the forgiving moonlight roll down his body. He was only wearing a pair of black pajama pants. Even in the low light, she could tell that the back facing her was well-defined. His head was lowered, hands gripped firmly on the railing.

"Squall?" she asked tentatively.

He didn't move at first. The wind ruffled his light brown hair as she made her way to his side. Reaching out one arm, her hand was hovering over his bicep when he spoke, making her freeze where she was. "Please, don't touch me."

Retracting her comforting hand, she asked, "What's wrong?"

His face turned to meet hers. Eyes glistened with tears and his forearms shook from gripping the rail so tightly. When he spoke it was filled with a subtle rage. "He still has his hold over you."

This wasn't completely uncommon. Ever since Seifer's betrayal, and his arrogant mouth telling Squall all about their relationship, Squall had taken her nightmares to be about him, not her father. Rinoa couldn't tell him the truth, what she really woke about in the middle of the night. It was too painful, and she wasn't sure she would be able to give it proper wording, so she allowed him to continue thinking about his archenemy. It was safer.

"I told you, we can't control our dreams… how long has this one been going on?" She asked, wondering why the bed was cold.

"About half an hour. I woke at the beginning and came out here." His eyes turned from tearful mourning to slowly building rage. "Please don't tell me that you still think about him."

"Squall, he was nothing to me. It was a dumb summer fling, that's all."

"Yes, but you came back for him!"

"Only to get his help! And remember, our dance? I got yours instead, which seems to me the much better choice." By this point they were inches away from each other, and Rinoa took the moment to close the distance between their lips.

Salty tears made his kiss taste like the ocean, and as it became more intense Squall pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her body as if it were the last thing on the planet. He pulled away to catch a quick breath and dived back in, loving her the best he could. All he really wanted to do was forget the past, forget all that had happened. But if she was still having dreams about him, albeit nightmares, obviously he was still on her mind. So he had to put all his trust in her that she was true to him, that she was faithful.

The kiss seemed to last forever. To Rinoa it would almost be better if it did. If they were lost, in this moment, for all eternity. But eternity never happened, and they pulled apart.

Squall turned from her as fresh tears fell from his worn eyes, and he went back into the bedroom. Rinoa knew better than to follow him, at least this soon. She faced the open plains beneath them. In the distance she could make out the lights of Balamb. Stars above her, peaceful plains below her, this was how she wanted to spend the rest of her life.

Peace couldn't last forever, and she knew it. Even Rinoa the Dreamer wasn't that naïve. But when that time came, she would be ready for it.

Taking in the scenery one last time, she spun around and walked into the bedroom. Squall was already asleep on the bed. She curled up next to him. Her touch caused him to roll over, spooning. And together they drifted back into the realm of the dreams.

* * *

The next morning greeted Zell away from the safety of the Garden. Like every morning he was taking a jog. Unlike most morning, however, he was lost in deep thought. Usually he told himself to focus on the exercise, to push himself to the limits. Lately, however, his mind has been hovering on things the preoccupied his usual determination.

About a week ago he was walking along in the halls when he bumped into Squall. Not a strange occurrence, but this time he literally bumped into him. Squall thought nothing of it, of course, but it awakened something deep within Zell.

The blonde felt some pull at his inner demons, at that place in his mind reserved for the darkest of thoughts, and something let go. In an instant he was alerted to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there might have been a stronger bond that held him to Squall than simple friendship.

It soon became apparent that Squall didn't share any of these feelings. Not that Zell came outright and asked Squall anything, he just got close enough over the past few days to ask the right questions to get the answers he needed.

It was terrible, knowing that now he had a secret. What made it worse was that he knew he could, and should, share it with everyone, all his friends, but he didn't want to. They would be sympathetic, but what he wanted from this was empathy, not sympathy.

Clearing his mind, pushing all the thoughts back, he picked up the pace and sprinted down the field, the sunlight flying over his ripped, short body.

* * *

Selphie had had enough. She couldn't take all this… anymore. It was too much bearing down on her. Running around her room, she flung as many clothes into a small black backpack as she could. There was only one solution: she had to get away. From here, from the people, from everything that bothered her.

So much had changed in her life since the Sorceress War. The nice façade that hung around her, the mask that she showed people of a happy girl, was slowly deteriorating into blank nothingness. She was not used to being well-known, well-liked, given responsibilities. Not even twenty, and she had to think of everyone around her before acting.

Thinking she was about done, she ripped the pack off her bed, slung it on her shoulders, grabbed her weapon, and opened her bedroom door, ready to make a run for it.

Quistis stood, framed in the doorway, her hand poised as if to knock. "Selphie!" she exclaimed.

Selphie was caught in an awkward situation. "Uh… hi… Quistis," she mumbled. "I really ought to get going!"

"Wait," Quistis said, not allowing the smaller girl to get around her and out into the hallway. "What are you doing?"

Before Selphie could grab for a lame excuse that she knew wouldn't work, a look of shock filled Quistis' eyes. The girl with honey hair stared at the older woman with fear as she fell to the floor.

It was up to Selphie to make a decision. One of her best friends laid before her, obviously in need of some help. She could help her, but what would that mean? It would mean her staying here, in this suffocating place, for at least an undeterminable amount of time. On the other hand, this was her chance to escape for good.

Seeing Quistis groping blindly for something to hold on to and finding nothing but air inspired a level of guilt and pain inside Selphie. The instructor fell limp to the floor at last.

Kneeling by her side, Selphie felt for a pulse. Finding one, however faint it may be, relieved her a little of the guilt she felt by the actions she took next. Standing, she looked around for anymore people.

Realizing that now she may never know just what Quistis wanted to say to her, she ran down the hall to get out of the life she never asked for.


	2. Broken Pedals

Chapter Two: Broken Pedals

Sweat shined on Zell's forehead, dripping down his tattoo. The Garden was back in sight, and the end of his jog near. Pumping his arms and legs, he felt slight pride in being able to avoid the subject on his mind for most of the duration of his excursion.

The second he stepped into the main hall, he felt something was not right. It was oddly silent. Usually there were at least some kids running around, shouting, but at the moment, nothing. A couple was huddled close together on a bench not too far away from the entrance, speaking softly to each other.

It was mildly eerie walking to his room, surrounded by silence. Something was wrong, but he hadn't seen anyone he could ask. Everyone was somewhere…

He was about to walk into his room to shower and change into more school-appropriate clothing when a student came running up to him out of breath. "Mr. Dintch," he said, panting, leaning one hand against the wall to steady himself.

"Yes?"

"I was told to find you when you returned. Something happened to Headmistress Trepe. Mr. Leonhart requests your presence in the hospital wing at once."

It was all very formal, and one thing that Zell had learned about formalities was that they never signaled something good. A chill ran down his spine despite the heat. "Okay," was all he could think to say. "I'll be there as quickly as possible."

He went into his room. It was probably best to let all this sink in before he went to the hospital wing. Something had happened to Quistis? What?

The showered offered a nice release as cold water sprayed through his hair and down his back. He lathered up quickly and jumped out. The last time he had seen Quistis, a few days ago, she had seemed perfectly fine. Busy, maybe a little stressed, but otherwise fine. She had kind of lost contact with her friends the more she had gotten involved with the school, but that was only to be expected, right? She had so many things to tend to. Squall had offered to help out, let some of the burden fall on him, but Quistis would hear nothing of it. It wasn't a matter of pride, Cid seemed to have placed his whole trust in Quistis, and she had not intent of ruining that.

Stepping out, Zell grabbed some clothes, threw them on, and sprinted all the way to the hospital wing. He walked in, trying to maintain his composure, trying to prepare himself for anything. There was a crowd of students in the waiting room that parted as he made his way through them.

Opening the door to her room, he saw Squall and Rinoa standing over her bed. They turned to him as he closed the door behind him. Quistis was in a hospital gown, her hair let down from its usual ponytail and framing her face, which looked a little too pale.

"Oh, Zell," Rinoa said, at a loss for words. She went to him and wrapped him in an embrace.

He knew that she was on the brink of tears and faced Squall. "What happened?"

The taller man just shook his head. "We don't really know. She was found outside Selphie's room by a student."

"Where was Selphie?"

"She was gone. We can't find her anywhere. I went to her room and there were things everywhere. One of her bags was missing, as with some of her clothes. I think she ran away." Squall told him all this while watching his face, seeing if it made any more sense to the blonde than him.

It didn't. "Do you think she is to blame for this? But Selphie…"

"I'm not going to assume anything about anyone. But whatever is happening to Quistis, it's serious. She may have just had an episode, she may have gone to talk to Selphie about something, we don't know." Squall's eyes went back to the motionless figure on the bed. "We are looking for Selphie but I have a feeling that if she doesn't want to be found…"

"… She won't be?" Zell finished for him. "Maybe she went back to Trabia?"

"I doubt that. She would know that would be the first place we check."

Zell felt the first burning of tears sting his eyes, but he blinked them back with a little effort. How could this have happened? "What do the doctors say?"

"They don't know what's wrong with her. They said it just looked like a panic attack that went out of control. At some point she stopped breathing, but it wasn't for long enough to cause any damage… we hope." Squall moved to the window and looked up at the cloudless, beautiful sky. "She may wake up any time now, or she might not. In the meantime, I'm calling Cid and getting him back here to cover for her."

Squall excused himself and left Zell and Rinoa alone with Quistis. Zell couldn't help but think how helpless she looked, when the whole time they had known each other, even way back at the orphanage, she had been so strong. Next to Squall, she was probably the one that they trusted the most with their lives. And now, to look at her in this state was almost too much to bear.

"What do we do now?" Rinoa asked, moving close to Zell.

"I don't know," was all her could think to say.

There was a moan from the bed, causing both of the standing people to jump and give their full attention to the figure beneath the hospital white sheets. Quistis was moving slowly.

"I-I'll go get the doctor!" Zell said hastily and ran from the room.

Rinoa went to the bedside and grabbed Quistis' hand in her own. "Quistis? Can you talk to me?"

Her eyes fluttered open and it took her a moment to focus on anything in the room. The first thing she saw was Rinoa's worried face, and when she saw the terror etched across her face, her eyes bolted open right away, all the fogginess of unconsciousness wiped clear. She tried to sit upright in bed, but Rinoa kept a hand firmly on her shoulder, whispering that she should stay down and try to rest.

"What happened?" Quistis asked, looking at her surroundings.

"You collapsed in the hallway. A student found you and brought you here." Rinoa tried to explain.

"But – Selphie!"

"Shh… just wait for the doctor to get here. She will explain everything to you, at least, as far we know."

"I have to talk to Selphie, please, get her!"

"Quistis," Rinoa began. "Selphie's gone…"

* * *

"Yes, as soon as you can, thank you so much!" Squall paused, listening to the other end of the phone. "Matron is always welcome here, she should know that." Another pause. "Yes, yes, of course. So in a couple days, right? Thanks again! Bye." 

As he hung up he couldn't help but feel a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. When he went back across the room in the Headmaster's office the phone rang again.

Please don't let this be Cid saying he can't do it, he silently pleaded as he lifted the receiver up to his ear. "Hello?"

"Squall?" It was Zell.

Squall immediately stiffened. "What's wrong, what happened?"

"Quistis – she woke up."

A long, slow breath exhaled from Squall. "I'll be down there as soon as I can. I'm not going to call Cid back and tell him not to come."

"Of course, Quistis will need her rest for awhile."

"See you in a minute."

Feeling much more relieved, he set the phone down again and went to the elevator. Looking out over the foyer to the school through the glass as he descended, he noticed that students were once again milling around, which brought a flutter of joy to his heart. Maybe things could go back to normal, now that Quistis has woken up. This day had just been to unreal for his tastes, and he would much like things to return to the way they were.

And with Cid back, he thought. But… he was bringing Edea with him. As much as Squall did not like to admit it, her presence here may cause some discord among his friends. He knew for a fact that Rinoa still partially blamed her for becoming a sorceress, even though she knew deep down that it wasn't really her. And Zell… he never quite forgave her for some of the things that went on way back at the orphanage.

The elevator bumped when it reached the ground floor. With a light ding the doors opened, revealing Squall to the hall. He walked down the stairs slowly, readying himself for the hospital wing.

Natural light spilled across the hall, causing him to look up at the main doors to the Garden. Several students who were closer gasped and shrank back at the figure walking in. Squall could not make out who it was, the glare from the sun made everything shine brightly.

The only thing Squall could think was that whoever it was, he or she was too big to be Selphie, returning from wherever she had gone. Sunlight glinted off what looked like a gunblade. That was impossible, only one other person had had access to a gunblade that Squall knew, and that person was dead… wasn't he?

Placing one hand on the hilt of his own sword, he made his way to a place where he could see the figure coming towards him. Sure enough, blonde hair met cold eyes as Seifer Almasy stalked inside Balamb Garden.

Panic rushed in a hot wave up Squall's body. What was going on? Too many things were happening at once. He ran from his vantage point to get in the path Seifer was making for himself, raising his gunblade as he did so.

The doors had closed and Squall could see his old rival clearly. He looked terrible, his features sunken. How he had survived was beyond Squall, but he was alive, and looked completely defeated, destroyed. When his eyes met Squall's, the hand holding his weapon relaxed, and the blade fell with a clatter to the floor.

He dropped to his knees and held both hands up for Squall to see. There were no tricks, he just looked so… bad. Sympathy tugged at the corner of the man's psyche, pulling him to the man on his knees. Squall holstered his blade and stopped about a foot away from the Sorceress' Knight.

"What do you want?" Squall asked, trying to keep his voice neutral, knowing that undertones crept into it. "Why are you back?"

Seifer looked up, pleading with his eyes. "I… I can't… go…" Before he could finish whatever he was going to say he collapsed on the floor. His chest rose and fell, so Squall knew he was alright, but he made no attempt to go to his side. It was painfully clear that he meant no harm, that his reasons for returning were other than murder and mayhem, which he specialized in not so long ago, but Squall would not move to his aid. There was too much pain there, too much history, for him to completely forget what had occurred, leading them to their current situation.

With the help of several students in the area, Squall carried Seifer with him to the hospital wing. There they set him up in a separate room, with plenty of security, and then Squall went to check on his friend.

_Author's Note: Haha… well. Things are beginning to pick up, and I promise that the next chapter will not end the same way! Reviews are always much appreciated._


	3. Certain Destiny Unclear

Chapter Three: Certain Destiny Unclear

Selphie boarded the train without her usual glee at the prospect of jetting across land. No train songs came to her, no happy thoughts drew her attention away from what lay ahead of her. The guilt of leaving Quistis laying there on the floor was almost too much. She could still see her friend's eyes, glazed over and unseeing, staring blankly across the hall. Stepping over her body, Selphie had made her escape.

The wind whipping past, Selphie turned her thoughts to where she was going. She never made any actual plans ahead of leaving, and now that she had, there had to be somewhere that she could go. Mr. Caraway… yeah, she thought. Rinoa's father had seemed nice enough. Maybe if she told the right lie he would allow her to bunk up there for a few days.

It was perfect weather outside, but the warm breeze didn't thaw the ice that had overtaken her heart.

She was destroyed, completely alone. There was nothing left for her here, nothing left for her to do, to say. Wounds had cut deep inside her, and she felt helpless against the cruel world that had overpowered her.

As the train rattled to a stop, she scooped up her backpack and exited swiftly. The station was filled with people who were happy to see loved ones returning to them.

General Caraway, she thought. Get to him, and everything will be okay.

* * *

He opened his eyes and remembered where he was, what he had just done. The last few days overcame him in a flood of emotion, of meaningless turmoil. No one was in the room with him, only a dim light gave him any indication that he was indeed still alive and not floating in a limbo, lost to the void forever. The void that he had momentarily glimpsed in Time Compression.

Seifer tried to sit up but found no strength to do so. He crashed back to the pillows with a muffled grunt. Taking a moment to tell himself that he was in a hospital room, meaning that they hadn't killed him the moment he showed weakness and fell.

How long has it been since he had gotten here. The door wooshed open silently and Rinoa walked through. Outside the window the sun was just rising above the horizon.

"You're awake," she said cautiously.

He managed a grin that came out a ghost of the ones he used to wear with her. When they first met and Rinoa was so fragile, damaged, Seifer had known then that he had had the upper hand in their relationship. He had not known at first what she was running from, and for awhile it did not matter.

They were in love, pure, simple love, until … until Squall came into the picture at the SeeD dance. She forced Seifer out of his life and he wondered the halls hopeless, helpless. When he joined with the Sorceress, he thought in some distant way that he could win her back. If only he was stronger than the opponent, she would run back to him and he would be happy.

The memory that would not leave him from their time together was during the first time they decided to have sex. She slowly rolled down her arm warmers when Seifer saw them for the first time. Scars etched halfway up her arm, some that had just closed over.

When she saw that he was staring, all she offered was, "It was a rough period." She obviously wanted to forget.

Seifer was laying prone, nude, and wanting, but he held himself back. He crawled on all fours over to where she sat on the edge of the bed, her face bent down, concentrating on removing her clothes with out agitating the wounds. "Is it still happening?" he asked, running one finger fearlessly down one of the more fresh cuts.

Expecting her to freak out, he was taken completely off guard when she laid her body back against his. Her hair spilled over his chest and he smelled flowers.

"Hold me," she whispered into his body, wrapping her arms around his back and holding onto him like there was nothing left. "Please, just…"

"Sh, sh," Seifer mumbled. As he breathed in her scent again he leaned back, relaxing the two of them onto the bed. When she rose over him, her hair barely brushing his cheeks, he realized just how much pain she had experienced in her life. As she hovered there, staring into his eyes, trying to tell him her life story without words, she never felt more alive.

"I need you," was all she could think to say. "I need this. Now."

Seifer did not respond, but laid there, ready for her. Her body hit his and they fell together into the sea of euphoria some take for granted.

* * *

Back in the hospital room, he watched Rinoa make her was slowly to his side. For a second he was lost in that memory and wished that she would climb into the bed and comfort him like she used to, but realized that nothing was going to bring those days back.

"How are you feeling? When Squall brought you in here, I thought you were dead."

"Worried about me?" he retorted with a slight chuckle. The laugh hurt something inside him and he doubled up, grabbing his side. "Damn."

Her features hardened. "Why are you here?"

"Getting to the point, are we?" he asked. "I knew you guys would not be happy to see me. But I had to come back, ya know?"

Rinoa sat down in a chair, safely out of reach. Seifer realized he did not know where his blade was, and this was the first time he was completely defenseless since before he came to Balamb after leaving the orphanage. "No, actually, we don't know. There is a lot going on right now, and we need to know why you chose to come back, and…" she paused, as if not certain whether or not to go on. "And, how you survived the Time Compression. Everyone thought you had died."

"I came back because I had to. And about Time Compression… well, I don't remember anything after losing to you on Lunatic Pandora. I remember our battle, and then I remember everything being over and I was stranded in the streets of Esthar with nothing."

"Why did you have to come back?"

He looked at her and laughed. "You weren't in the orphanage. Ask anyone from them. We had to come back here. Always must we return to this place. I almost died because I refused, knowing that I might die if I did decide to return."

Rinoa looked at him as though she thought maybe he was delusional. He understood her perfectly, as he was not completely sure what he was saying himself. The words fell out of his mouth and he just kind of let them, not knowing for sure what would be next. "I don't understand what you are saying."

"Look," he said, losing patience. "I don't know what I am saying anymore than you do. If I didn't come back here, I would have died. I felt so sick, being out there, and something inside me told me that the answer was here. Home."

The word slipped out and he wished he could take it back.

"Home?"

Seifer sat in silence. "Bring someone in here that is from the orphanage. They will know what I am talking about."

"Everyone else is… busy." Rinoa said, too tired to make up an excuse for them.

"Busy doing what?"

"As I said, there is a lot going on here. The only one I could probably get in here would be Zell. He's the only one not totally buried in other problems right now, but after everything that happened between the two of you, I doubt that would go so well."

"What about Selphie?"

She sat there, not wanting to say anything, not sure how involved she was supposed to get in this conversation. What if he was just sizing them up? What if some sorceress still commanded him? "She has a lot of … stuff going on right now that she has to deal with on her own. She won't be able to help us until she's helped herself."

For the meantime he seemed to buy it. Rinoa could not help herself from having a massive internal sigh of relief. "Listen," she continued. "We will deal with you when we can. Squall wants it known that you are not exactly welcome here, and as soon as you are back on your feet he wants you gone."

"It won't be that easy," he chuckled.

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it's the truth."

Rinoa rose from her chair and backed to the door, being careful to keep her full attention on the man in the bed. "Rest, Seifer."

Without another word she turned and left the room, the door closing with a soft click behind her, leaving Seifer to the brightening day.

* * *

"There really is no need," Quistis said, pacing in the Headmaster's office, watching Squall and Zell. "I'm perfectly fine."

"You collapsed and the doctors aren't sure why," Zell said in the most even tone he could manage. "You shouldn't be up here, back to work. You should be taking it easy, lounging around your room or in the lounge. We don't want to risk another episode."

"But you are going to give Balamb Garden back over to Cid just like that?" she said indignantly.

"No," Squall said. "We are letting him take over for a couple days, maybe a week, just to make sure everything is okay with you. He told me that he was planning on coming up soon anyway, he wanted to visit us all." He paused before saying the next part. "And, Matron is coming with him. She's apparently dealing with a lot of stuff."

None of them had spoken to Edea since the downfall of Ultimecia. She thought that it was all her fault, which everyone knew it wasn't, but couldn't help but harbor some resentments toward her. If her coming back here was going to do anything, it was bound to dig up more problems than fix anything.

"What?" Quistis and Zell said in stunned unison.

"She needs to see everyone, she wants to fix some of the damage she thought she caused. Cid said that she's been going through this phase of depression since the…" Squall let his voice die down when he noticed that his words were falling on ears deaf to him.

"I go out for a day!" Quistis said, now bordering on outrage.

"How could you permit something like this without clearing it by us?" Zell asked, petrified.

"Cid has the utmost trust in her."

"So?"

"So it means that we should give her a chance at least."

No one said anything for a couple minutes, just shifted in an awkward silence that overwhelmed the room.

* * *

Selphie stepped up to the front door. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door loudly, firmly, trying to blink away the tears from her eyes before the door was opened.

A young maid opened the door a crack, asking who it was.

"Say it's Selphie. General Carraway will know who it is. I need to speak with him."

"The General is a busy man."

"Please tell him that it's urgent.

"Okay," the maid said, and closed the door. Selphie knew that she would be back. She would open the door for her and she would step into her new life. Who knew what lie in store?


	4. Dealing with Reality

Chapter Four: Dealing with Reality

_Author's Note: This story seems to be cranking from me at a pretty good pace at this point. Over the next few chapters I may raise the rating, depending on how far my own mind takes me into telling this tale. Be ready for some more dark images from Rinoa's past, as well as an affair you probably would never have guessed. Seifer's motives and Quistis' illness should become more clear soon, so be ready for some strong hits that may blindside ya!_

It was the night before the SeeD field tests. Zell was worried about the Dollet mission, terrified by thoughts of "What if I don't finish? What if someone gets hurt?"

He was wondering around the halls late at night, knowing that he should be sleeping, resting up for the challenges that were certain to hit him the next day. Alas, his mind wandered, drifting in and out of negative thoughts. Occasionally they turned to happier "What if's?" but eventually the darkness took hold.

Wanting only to get some rest, he began walking back to his room when he heard footsteps ring out behind him. Stopping, he was almost afraid to turn around, to know who was coming up behind him.

Without warning hands circled around him, strong hands. They brought him crashing into the other person, who was definitely male. At first Zell was revolted, but as the other man's hands worked beneath his shirt and the cold fingers hit the warm flesh of his stomach, he gave in to the temptation.

Shadows fell around the hall and try as he might, Zell could not make out the face of the other person. He was pushed by the taller man against a wall, his arms pinned above his head with one strong hand. The darkness swelled around his face, blurring out any way of identifying him.

As Zell's pants were ripped from him, he thought he saw a flop of blonde hair before being turned to face the wall.

* * *

Cid and Edea moved from the train and entered the city of Balamb. There was only a short distance now until they reached the place where everything – and nothing – mattered. Edea had become increasingly more quiet on the train, growing more distant, silent, her mind off in the past. All the horrible things that were done in her name, just because she was too weak.

She still remembered the ice shard flying through the air during that parade. Still remembered the way it flew, by her command, at Squall, hitting him in the shoulder, piercing flesh with magic. Her magic. She could still see him falling, as if in slow motion, off the side of the float.

Seifer had been there with her, her Knight. He had not done his job with Squall as he was supposed to, so she had to take things into her own hands.

Now that they were almost at their destination, she felt a growing cold fill her. It was the dread of having to face her actions, of having to come to terms with her past, and she knew that she wasn't strong enough, that she wasn't ready.

"Maybe I should go back…" she said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"No." Cid said, as if it were that simple. "If you go back to the orphanage, you have to relive all those memories again."

She looked at him like he was crazy.

"You can deal with the distant past, which you cannot hope to change, or the recent past, which you may be able to." There he went, always sounding like a schoolteacher. He moved to Edea and brushed a strand of hair out of her face with a few loose fingers. A warm smile lit his face as he said, "They are stronger than you think. We can all get through this."

"I know what they think of me," she said. "I can feel it, even now."

"What you are feeling is the lingering feelings of betrayal. Those days are over. Dead. In the past. No matter what happens to those kids, they will always love their Matron."

"What about the girl?"

Cid looked at her, puzzled. "Who? Rinoa?"

"Yes."

"Well, what about her?"

"She was never at the orphanage. All I brought to her was pain and destruction. She was cursed, a sorceress, like myself. And I brought it all upon her. How could she ever forgive something like that?"

Cid smiled. "She's stronger than you think. Dealing with everything this life threw at her before you always seemed to be more of a weight on her mind than all that you say you did to her."

Edea looked away, at the bright sun above the city. At the people roaming around aimlessly, some shopping, some walking hand in hand with loved ones. She couldn't stop herself from thinking that these people were now beyond her reach, that the happiness they experienced she would never have. There they were, all smiles, not knowing how much destruction it took to get them all here, peaceful and laughing.

It took the destruction of her entire soul, amongst other things.

"I only hope… that I can find the solace that I need to go on…" was all she could say. Cid did not stop her when she moved ahead of him, meandering through the city streets.

* * *

She didn't know what to tell them to assure them that she was okay. Quistis was leaning her forehead against the window in her office, yes, _her_ office. Cid trusted her with this position, and she knew that she was more than capable of performing.

Too bad she couldn't convince her friends that she knew what she was doing. One small episode of… whatever that was, was not enough to distract her. She can do this.

Outside the sun shone brightly. A few clouds drifted lazily across the sky. The perfect day, perfect weather. She looked over her shoulder, at the ever-growing stack of papers on her desk that she needed to fill out. Do this, do that. But she had to continue, it was her job. And no matter how much paper work she accumulated, she would always love what she did.

The last thing she needed was Cid to come back, with Edea nonetheless, and put her on an indefinite hiatus.

Something clutched at her gut, doubling her over in a spasm of momentary pain. No, she told herself. Stop. She had been getting these bursts of pain for the past few months but never bothered to let anyone know. They were her problem, and she didn't enjoy sharing her problems with others. This wasn't anything life-threatening, she was sure. In no part of her brain did she connect this with the episode she had the other day.

Recovering and pushing it to the back of her mind, she began thinking of what to say to Cid that would get him out of here, convince him that she was fine, just fine, and did not need his help, not matter what her friends may have told him.

Then there was Edea. Matron.

No, don't think about that, she scolded herself. She's coming, and there is nothing you can do. Except for getting them both out of there as quickly as possible.

Her breath came too quickly, too shallow, and she had to consciously force herself to stop and breathe nice and slow. Counting each one, taking it in, pausing, letting it go. These moments have been getting more and more frequent as time went on.

"What is going on?" she asked, sliding one hand along the windowpane. "Why is all this happening now?"

Speaking of, she remembered the man still in the hospital room. "Seifer," she hissed. She knew all too well what he was capable of and was angered at Squall for allowing him to stay here. She was the headmistress, didn't she have any say at all what happened within these walls?

Moving to her desk, she hit the speaker button. Her secretary piped up on the line, "Ms. Trepe?"

"Do I have any appointments with anyone this afternoon?"

"No ma'am. Squall arranged for all of your appointments to wait for the return of old Headmaster Cid."

Anger turned into slow building rage. "Thanks," she spat. "I think I'll take a walk then."

"Just remember that Headmaster Cid should be here by this evening."

"I will, don't worry," she said, not bothering to hide her disdain. She was going to have a little talk with Squall about all this.

* * *

Rinoa was bored.

She was not supposed to go see Seifer, after their last visit. Squall didn't understand the meaning of any of this, and didn't want her getting any deeper. He thought that maybe she would break.

Just because I'm a sorceress doesn't mean I'm helpless, she thought with a bitter undertone. In fact…

All this talk of sorceresses the past few months had been hard for her to hear. Never could she let her emotions run wild for fear of losing control and damaging all those she cared about. At the moment she almost felt like letting go to see what would happen.

She was lying sprawled out on her bed, the four poster canopy draped with the purest white silk. Never did she say she wasn't spoiled. A cool breeze blew in through the open French doors.

The door opening caused her to roll onto her side. Expecting Squall, she was ready to get angry, but that façade vanished as Zell poked his blonde head in. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything," he said softly.

"Nothing at all," Rinoa said, letting her annoyance show through her voice.

"What's wrong?" Zell asked, moving to the bed.

She patted the sheets and he sat. "It's Squall."

He cocked one eyebrow at her. "Something tells me that's not all."

"You're right," she said sarcastically. "It's also Selphie, Quistis, Seifer, and Edea."

Looking slightly pained, Zell laid back next to her. "I know what you're saying. I'm caught in all this too, ya know."

"I just feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do here."

"Maybe there isn't."

Rinoa shot him a withering look. "Thanks."

"Seriously. What do you want right now?"

Calming down a bit, Rinoa seemed genuinely confused. "I'm not following you."

"Okay," he said chuckling. "Let me guess. You can't help with Seifer because Squall won't let you because of your history together. You can't help Quistis because she's making it clear she doesn't want our help. And you don't want to be here when Edea returns. That about it?"

"Exactly," she said. "What are you getting at?"

"Don't deal with it. There is still one other problem," Zell said.

"Selphie."

"Yup."

"But, I wouldn't even know where to begin to look!" Rinoa said. "I get what you are saying, don't get me wrong, but as much as I would like to go look for her, where would I go?"

"Think back to the places that she felt safest. We all know she confided in you in a sisterly way." Zell was probing, but it was okay. In fact, Rinoa could see where he was going, and for the first time in awhile, she felt better, maybe even motivated. There was still something she could do to help someone.

"Where do you think I should go?"

"Well, Trabia is really off-limits. She would not go back there, just as much good memories as bad. I say you should almost retrace the footsteps from our last adventure."

Suddenly Rinoa remembered something. Something that she had chosen to not think about. A few words from someone she wished she could forget but knew that she never would. There was someone who would take Selphie in, and it would not turn out well. For anyone.

"Oh God," she said, breathless.

"What?" Zell asked, propping himself up on his elbows to get a better view of his friend. "What did you remember?"

"Oh no," Rinoa said. "I gotta go. Now!"

She jumped off her bed and rushed across the room to get a bag to pack some things she would need. Frantic, she shoved Zell away when he rushed to comfort her.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I don't have time to explain. Just tell Squall that I am going to get Selphie." With that she spun on her heels and darted out of the room.

By the time Zell recovered enough to run out into the hall after her, she was already gone. "What the hell?" he asked no one.

Something scared the hell out of her, and he wanted to know what it was. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to go after her. There were things he needed to do here, things that he needed to get straightened out so he could move on with his life.

Whistling, he set off in search of Squall. Finally, it seemed as though something was going to be resolved.


	5. Ebony Truth

Chapter Five: Ebony Truth

_Author's Note: I see you. I love you. Review!_

"If you come here, you will find me. I promise," Squall said beneath his breath. He sat on his balcony with his legs falling over the side.

Thoughts swirled around his head like a storm, gaining strength and intensity. He knew that he should be downstairs, questioning Seifer as to why he was back. Rinoa already tried that… damn that was a mistake, putting the two of them together. What was he thinking? "Damn!" he exclaimed, hitting the rail with the open palm of his hand.

Had he not been so busy, he would have definitely gone done there himself. Everyone seemed to be so wrapped up in their owns problems…

Out in the distance he saw a car, and something inside him stirred. He knew what was inside that car. It was her, his Matron. At last she was returning to them, but why? He felt so strange, not knowing whether or not he was happy that she was coming back to them. Was it a mistake that he did all this?

"There they are," a voice said from behind him, making him jump.

He swiveled his head on his shoulders and saw Quistis standing at the entrance to his balcony. The voice wasn't happy.

Squall wanted to say, "I'm sorry," but the words died on the tip of his tongue. Instead he swallowed and waited for her to continue. He figured that she would be angry. Very, very angry. And now she was here to… what? Yell at him? Fight him?

"How dare you?"

"Listen, Quisits, I know that you're mad at me-"

"Shut up!" Quistis yelled. "What do you know? Do you honestly think that Cid will just give me back his precious Balamb Garden if he thinks that I may not be doing it better than he ever could? You are bringing him back here, bringing him back to power here, and casting me aside like I'm nothing!"

In a blink of an eye she was right beside Squall, whip out and ready. "I stayed by your side through everything, and you don't trust me enough, not even know!"

With his most even voice, he replied, "I don't have much reason to trust you right now, do I?"

She glared at him with angry eyes. "Don't think you know things. Don't assume that I'm going to allow this to just gloss over. It won't."

Spinning, she started running back through the room. "And you!" she shouted. Squall assumed that she was yelling back at him, until he heard Zell stutter a "What?"

"You!" she shrieked with enough force to impress banshees. "You just play along with it! Don't think I don't know why. I am well aware what's going on, and, and!"

Apparently out of things to say she stormed out of the room, rattling the doorframe as she slammed it behind her with all her might.

There was a moment of silence before Zell appeared behind Squall. He didn't bother to ask what was wrong, he knew. Instead, he opted to go for what he originally came to tell his leader. "Squall," he said softly, making sure he had the other man's attention.

"Yeah?" he said, his voice fading.

"Rinoa's gone."

That sparked something in Squall. He leapt to his feet. In an outrage he screamed, "What do you mean?"

Zell hung his head, preparing himself for the impact he hoped never came. "It's Selphie. Rinoa thinks she knows where she went, so she left to go find her. She told me to tell you."

Squall got right up in Zell's face. "Where did she go?" He was fighting a losing battle at trying to keep his voice calm.

"She-she didn't say. She left in a hurry."

"And you let her?"

Now it was Zell's turn to get angry. "What? Yes, I let her go. You want to know why? Because you won't let her do anything. She can't help with anything here, so why not let her out there, why not let her do something productive instead of being shut out by the man who loves her!"

Squall reached for his blade. "What did you just say?"

"Oh, cut the bullshit. You protect her so much, even though you know that she is stronger than you will ever be!"

Throwing his hands apart, spreading his legs, Squall shouted, "Get out! GET OUT!"

Relieved to be given a command that he would actually follow, Zell ran from the room. He couldn't help but cast one look over his shoulder. Seeing Squall standing there, poised, ready to cry, to scream, made something inside him churn. Somehow this wasn't the way he saw this encounter going.

* * *

She ran, wiping the tears with the back of her hand. Down the stairs, across the quad, and into the hospital wing she flew. Once she was just inside the sitting room, she let the door fall closed and leaned back against it, panting. The rage that shook her body and disrupted her breathing wanted an outlet, but she was determined to not do something she would undoubtedly regret later.

Never in her life had Quistis felt this out of control. Struggle as she may, she could not regroup.

Why am I here?

Looking up, she realized where she was. What exactly was she doing in the hospital wing? The sitting room was blessedly empty, but still…

Then it hit her. She had to talk to Seifer. She had to have some answers before she went insane. Trying to gather her wits about her, she went to his room, typed in the code outside the door to unlock it, and stepped inside.

* * *

Caraway was very open and welcoming to Selphie, and in the few days she had been there she already felt much more comfortable, much more at home than she had ever felt at Balamb. The older man seemed very interested in what had brought Selphie there, which she said only a few things. That she needed space, that she needed a little time. He was more than accommodating.

Selphie woke up one morning and felt rather groggy. She left her bed wearing only the oversized shirt that she had worn to sleep the night before. Walking softly down the hall, not wanting to disturb anyone, she jumped when she noticed Caraway standing in his open doorway, silently watching her. There was a strange flicker that ran through his eyes, a kind of fire that dissipated instantly when he saw her watching him.

There was this strange moment when they both stood, frozen. Neither one wanting to break the silence, no one wanting to ask the first question. Selphie felt instantly revealed and pushed her shirt down her thighs as she hurried past the older man and into the bathroom.

Shutting the door behind her, she told herself that it was just a weird coincidence, that it meant nothing either way. Oh how she wanted to forget the past two minutes and continue on living here. If she tried hard enough, she could push it away. And if nothing more came out of it than what just happened, she knew that she could move on.

She searched the countertop for toothpaste and found none.

"Figures," she said. No one had used that bathroom since Rinoa had left, so they had probably taken everything they didn't want out of it. She bent her knees and opened the cabinet on the bottom.

Sorting through everything, she reached into the shadowed corner and her finger was pricked by something sharp.

"Ow!" she quipped.

Curiosity taking the best of her. Reaching in, she grabbed the basket that held whatever it was that pricked her. It kept getting caught on things. Slightly frustrated by the time she got it into her lap, hey eyes went wide when she discovered what was inside.

It was an ordinary razor, one that may have been removed from a shaving razor. Except this one had some stains on it that Selphie was fairly certain wasn't rust.

"Tragic, isn't it?"

Caraway's voice from behind her startled her, but she didn't want to show him that. If there was any chance of her staying here then she was going to have to put on a pretty good act. At first she didn't even want to turn her head, but she forced herself to, nice and slow.

He was staring past her, at the small piece of metal in her hands. "What drives someone to do that?" he asked, not bothering to have his first question answered.

"I don't know," Selphie said, trying desperately to read his emotions. "Something awful, I suppose."

Sharp eyes met hers. There were the beginnings of anger there, and Selphie didn't understand why. What had happened in this house?

"I guess, something unforgivable."

It surprised her to find him agreeing with her, but she wasn't certain why. "Everyone makes mistakes," was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

Without warning he grabbed her by the shoulders and shoved her up against the smooth white wall of the bathroom. The basket tumbled from her hands and the contents scattered about the floor. He thrust his body up against hers and she wanted to cry out but his hand slapped over her mouth just in time. Leaning in close, he smelled her skin, breathed her in. Panting, he whispered, "You are not to say anything. Not one word. Or I'll have two bad girls on my hands."

Pushing himself away from her, he ran back into his room, the door settling gently into it's frame behind him.

_Author's Note: Sorry this took a while longer than usual. Rough day. I probably won't have another chapter posted until at least Monday afternoon. Sorry_


	6. Falling in too Deep

Chapter Six: Falling In Too Deep

_Author's Note: Matron, dear, you make me very happy. That is my shout out for the day. _

_Otherwise, sorry about this chapter taking awhile. It is currently 11 on Sunday night, and I am going to try my hardest to get this posted by the time I go to work at 4 tomorrow. Really, it shouldn't take me that long, but we shall see. Crosses fingers._

Quistis stepped into the room.

Seifer sat up a little straighter in his bed. "Instructor," he said in a slightly mocking tone.

She crossed her arms, stern. "Cut the bullshit. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm doing quite fine, thanks. In fact, I think I may be able to get up out of bed soon. Now isn't that good news?" He watched her, calculating, and smirking the whole time.

Determined not to be unnerved, she replied with, "Well, then you can leave."

"You know that I can't."

"No, I don't know why!" She screamed in a whisper. "I'll ask you again. What are you doing here?"

A laugh barked from his mouth. "Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to? And… by the way… how are you feeling, Instructor. Last I heard you weren't fairing too well."

She sighed. "So you know what's going on too, then?"

"Yup, afraid so."

"Shit." Quistis fell down into one of the chairs. She rested her head on one hand and looked forlornly out the window. Sighing, she continued. "So this means that what is happening to me really is…"

"It's really what you think it is, what you know it is."

Something clicked inside of her. "Then that means that when she gets here… oh my God…" She didn't need to see Seifer's face to know that he was paling and that he was slightly nodding, confirming her fears. "I knew all this was a mistake. That's why I pushed Cid away. I mean, having her here will only bring about bad things."

"What can we do now?" Seifer said softly. "No one told me she was coming, but I can feel her, drawing close."

When there was no response, he looked over to where Quistis was sitting and found her seemingly asleep. Looking closer, he saw her struggling for her next breath. Panic seized him. If she wasn't here then he was helpless.

All the things he knew, that he remembered before returning to the Garden, came flooding back to him in an instant. Why he needed to be there, to get to Quistis so she could help him.

Then it hit him like a wall. "Help!" he cried out, hoping that maybe someone was outside, passing by the room. "Someone, please God, HELP!"

He fell out of the bed in a tumble of sheets. "NO!"

Trying to control it, trying to beat it back, he screamed as long and hard as he could. In the end, however, he fell face first to the cool tile, and a low, evil laugh issued forth from his perfect mouth.

* * *

Squall was the one to meet them when the front doors of Balamb Garden opened up and admitted it's old Headmaster and his wife back within it's grounds. The sky overhead was slightly cloudy, and he could tell from the way the air felt and smelled as it brushed past him and further into the school that rain was well on its way. Graciously shaking both of their hands, Squall had no idea what had just happened in the hospital wing, and no idea of what threat the two frightened people had been discussing.

Motioning behind him, two young students ran to grab their guests' bags. Squall greeted them with a wan smile, letting some of the unsettlement of the past few days wash into his eyes. Usually so concealed about his emotions, he knew that this would set them both off.

"Where is Quistis? I suspect that there is a lot of work to be done," Cid said with a heavy sigh. "I need to be caught up on all the going-ons in this place. Can you show me to her?"

Edea remained wraith-like. Silent, she observed everything before her. All the kids running around who had no idea who she was, what she had done in the past that led her down the dark road she was now on. Running a gloved hand through her raven black hair, she tried to offer a genuine smile to Squall, but she knew it looked as forced as it felt.

"I, uh, actually, don't know where Quistis is at the moment," the younger man replied, avoiding Cid's gaze. "We had a slight misunderstanding previous to your arrival."

"Squall," Cid said in his knowing tone. It made Squall meet his eyes, as it had so many times in the past. "Is our presence here really that disturbing? That the friends whom I always thought were so close are beginning to unravel?"

Knowing that he could not lie if he wanted to, Squall gave him the entire truth. "The two of you being here, yes, that is a factor. But there are a lot of other things as well. The night Quistis first fainted, Seifer appeared at our doors, beaten. What other choice did we have but take him in? And Selphie has run away, for reasons we can't begin to comprehend."

He paused to take a breath. "I had to call you. You always knew what had to be done in the past, and now I hope that you will be able to help us again. There are a lot of broken people in this place, and I think you might be able to repair what damage has been caused."

Cid was silent for a moment. "I will do what I can. You kids have been the greatest joy of my life, and I don't intend to give that up so easily. I will go to my old office and see what I can do. When Quistis reappears, please send her to me."

Speaking up for the first time, Edea asked, "And what am I to do?" Her voice came out silken, just like Squall remembered it. Just like he had heard in his nightmares for the past several months.

"You, my dear, can go to our rooms and set them up very nicely." Cid leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

Edea turned to Squall. "If anyone wants to see, me, please let them in," she said in her most even voice. Squall felt what it took for her to say that, so he only nodded in return.

* * *

Zell had a sneaking suspicion about something that happened long ago. "Now that he's back," he whispered to himself as he walked the length of the hospital wing en route to Seifer's room. "Now that he's back, I can see it."

His back, pressed up against the wall, his pants at his ankles. The Dollet mission looming before him, just like the man who was thrusting inside him.

Taking a short break, Zell slammed his hand into the white wall. "Of course it was him!" he cried.

Picking up his pace, he began to job lightly down the way. The door was swiftly approaching, and as he slowed down to enter the room, he felt something was off. There was something not quite right about the way the air shifted outside his room.

One hand on the door, the other ready to block a blow or deal a punch, he turned the handle as gently as he could. Energy ran out of the room in waves, hitting him in the face. It took all his might to stand against the energy.

Letting the door slam shut, he threw his eyes open wide just as the door clicked back into place, and he knew. Quistis was in there, and she was hurt. Or worse.

He did not know how he suddenly knew that piece of information, only that he did know it now. The other thing that crept into his mind sent a chill rolling down his spine. It was about the person that was supposed to be in that room. Seifer was gone.

* * *

There was only one light on in his old office when he went up the elevator. Quistis had not changed a thing. The light was fading swiftly from the day and Cid peered into the shadows as he made his way to his desk.

He heard movement from behind him.

Startled, a bit frightened, he turned slowly, asking, "Hello?" to the darkness. "Is anyone there?"

Something scrambled around in the dark, and before Cid knew what was happening, two strong hands grabbed him from behind. One closed over his mouth while the other gripped both of his hands and held them tight behind his back. A familiar voice leaned down and whispered in his ear, "Scream and I'll kill you," before letting go of his mouth and pushing the older man with all his might into the desk.

Letting out a surprised gasp of pain, Cid crumbled to the floor. His vision swam in front of him, and he wanted to regroup, but knew that the other man in the room wouldn't give him the chance.

Hands took hold of the front of his shirt and pulled him to his feet. Just as he had feared, Cid saw Seifer was the one to have a hold on him.

"What, what do you want?" Cid cried out.

"Quiet, old man," Seifer said in a voice that didn't seem quite his own. He took one of Cid's arms in his hand and squeezed, hard. Cid let out a small whimper but refused to scream. "Good boy."

"Please, just tell me what you want!"

"What I want?" Seifer's eyes lost a tad of their glare. "What I WANT?" He released Cid, who stumbled back a few steps but managed to remain standing. "What I want is to be is free of all this shit that I am going through, but she won't let me, you see."

"Who won't let you?" Cid asked, taking a step backwards.

"You know damn well who! Where is she?" Seifer asked, that edge rising in his voice again. He started pacing, drawing Hyperion out of his belt as he did so. "She controls me still, you know…"

"Oh God," Cid said in a harsh whisper, throwing one hand over his mouth. "What have I done?"

"You?" Seifer asked in a incredulous tone. "No, this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her. What she wants, what she desires. I will always be her Knight!"

More than anything at that moment Cid wanted to turn and run. He backed up another step, but when Seifer brought Hyperion up, the tip brushing lightly against Cid's throat, he stopped in his tracks. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath that shook his body. Each tremor brought the blade into his throat and he wanted to scream so badly but knew that he couldn't.

"And what does she want, Seifer? What exactly is this thing that she desires?"

Seifer looked at him as though Cid was the crazy one. "What do you think?"

"Seifer, would I be asking you if I really didn't know?"

He seemed to ponder that for a moment, then, "No, you wouldn't, Headmaster. She wants power, glory. She wants freedom."

"She has all freedom."

Chuckling his sadistic chuckle, he said, "No. She wants freedom… from you."

All went silent, and it seemed that time had stopped for a moment. They stood there, Seifer's arm outstretched, the tip of his blade tickling along Cid's skin.

With one flick of his wrist, it was all over.

The deed was done.


	7. Going to Burn

Chapter Seven: Going To Burn

_Author's Note: Uh-oh! Something seems to be amiss in the wonderful world of Garden! Unfortunately, Garden isn't the only place where bad things are happening… This chapter is going to force me to up the rating on this fic. _

There's a forest fire burning bright  
Spreading quickly towards our last rites  
Nowhere to run, pointless to hide  
Just lay there and scream, pretending to try  
Pretending...

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it  
Everyone learns faster on fire  
Things took a turn, lost all desire  
You live and you burn  
You live and you burn

"_Burn" by Alkaline Trio_

Winds slapped harshly against the window, rattling it in its frame. Selphie was wide awake, waiting for the rain to come, to help usher her into a world of sleep that could make her forget what was going on around her. It seemed like everywhere she went, disaster followed. Pulsing through her like an elixir, running through her veins, the oxygen in her blood, it moved to consume her life.

She wanted only peace, only to find that space inside her that had been lost to the void. It didn't seem so much to ask, not really. She lost something in that last battle with Ultimecea, they all had, but she was the only one who seemed to not get anything back. Squall got the glory, Quistis got the Garden, Rinoa got courage to once again live her life. Even Zell seemed to have taken away a deeper meaning from all this, leaving Selphie with nothing.

Tears slid down her cheek and crashed into infinity on her pillow as the first lightning streaked across the sky and the first torrents of rain smashed against the window like a tidal wave. For a moment she was tempted to run to the window, throw it open, let the water in, let the water engulf her. She wanted more than this, she wanted to feel alive again. Was that so much to ask?

The though hit her hard. What was the point of living when there was nothing left inside her to keep alive? Every part of the person who used to be happy, bubbly Selphie Tilmit has vanished, has ran away to live in the past, an era of unending light and happiness. The sort that will never again grace her heart.

Rolling out of bed, she moved to the window, drawn by the rain. It was the darkest of nights, as the thick clouds shunned the moon from the world. She cast her gaze out over the darkness around the complex, searching for answers that will always elude her. "Let me go…" she whispered softly, running one hand gently down the windowpane. "Take me with you," she pleaded to the rain. "Show me the way."

She thought maybe she saw a shadow move, but dismissed it. There was no way anyone could get in here if the General didn't wish it. Shifting her gaze skyward, she let out a stuttered choke, trying to hold back the violent tears that threatened.

"Why this life?" She asked harshly. "Why now?"

Slamming an open palm against the glass, she jumped when a roll of thunder shook the floor beneath her. An unusually strong gust of wind tore through the complex and shook the pane under her touch harder than normal. The storm was only gathering intensity, however, and Selphie knew that it wouldn't be over until the sun rose, chasing away the demons that would be left by this night.

It wasn't a surprise to her when she heard the door creak open. Footsteps padded across the carpeted interior towards her. She didn't have to turn around to know who it was, and she didn't have to ask what he wanted. She knew.

"Is this all there is anymore?" she asked him, catching him off guard, a momentary lapse in his stride. "Is this why I'm here? Why I came back?"

"What do you mean?" Caraway's voice carried across the room like a growl, reminding Selphie of the thunder rolling outside. She kept her back to him. The sight of Rinoa's father at that time might have sent her over the edge.

"You know damn well what I mean. Is this it? I came here hoping to renew my purpose in life, hoping to find myself. Instead all I find is you, lies, deceit, and the truth about a friend that I didn't want to know." She sobbed out loud, trying to steady herself. Her body rocked back, and before she had time to steady herself, she was pressed against the older man's chest.

He tried to make his touch comforting, but now Selphie knew the truth. She knew all the truths she wanted to know, and then some. There was too much going on in this house, and she knew that she should run away, but there was nothing she could do. Powerless, hopeless, lifeless, she was little more than a doll, a plaything to those who knew what to do in order to control her. Caraway made sure that he knew what to do. He watched her these past few days, biding his time.

Until tonight.

"You know I can't help you unless you want to help yourself," he said in her ear, his lips grazing her neck. Hot breath coursed down her neck, into the top of her nightgown. "Are you even so sure that you want to help yourself?"

Her mind was spinning out of control. His breath, his words, and the drumming of the rain all around her, she couldn't separate right from wrong, down from up. "I can't help myself."

"You can do whatever you want to," he kissed the side of her mouth lightly. "No one can stand in your way if you don't want them to."

"All my life people stood in my way. I don't want anyone, ever again." As she spoke those words she pulled herself away from his and back to the window. Her fingers played along the lock before she turned it away and threw open the glass.

Rain fell in on both of them, covering them instantaneously. Selphie's honey hair clung to her face, the rain mixing with the salty tears, her white gown soaked through. Caraway's gray hair fell down, matted to his forehead. He was still wearing his work clothes from the day prior. The second he ripped off his suit jacket his dress shirt was soaked.

Hands wrapped around either side of Selphie's head, and amidst a flash of lightning Caraway slammed his mouth to hers. They crashed to the floor, any noise they would have made covered up by the loudest clap of thunder thus far, sending Selphie into a nearly deaf state for a few seconds.

Everything was happening so quickly and getting so disorienting. When she had a moment to regroup, she saw that her gown was little more than tattered, wet remains over in the corner. Water flooded the room. The carpet soaked up little of it, and a thin line spread away from the open window.

Caraway was surprisingly rough on her. He rode her like she was made of titanium.

Shoving her shoulders into the water gathering around them, she let out a short scream. This was not what she wanted. Of all the possible scenarios she thought of coming here, to him, this was not one that played through her mind on that train ride. She tried to scream but was unable to catch her breath, and when she tried to breathe in deep her face was slapped to the side and she got a mouthful of water.

It all flooded into her in a moment: Caraway on top of her, beating her into the ground, and Rinoa. Odd how now was the moment that she could see the dark-haired girl with the brown highlights growing up. What a life she must have led to bring her to the place where they all met. This… every night, possibly. Selphie saw Rinoa in a brand new light, one that made her far outshine anyone else she ever knew.

Amidst the gasps for air she wheezed out, "Poor Rinoa."

Everything that was happening around her came to a crashing holt. The rain outside beat down on a frozen scene. Water dripped off Caraway's stone face, splattering on Selphie's pale figure, laying prone beneath him.

His breathing seemed to stopped while hers came across ragged, sharp, irregular. All she wanted was to crawl out from beneath him and find a nice, dry bed and curl up, fall asleep until the sun roused her. In that light all this would seem like some bad dream. Right then it felt like a nightmare that she would never wake up from.

"What did you say?" he asked, something shifting behind his eyes. Selphie was terrified to see what lurked beneath the surface.

Chills ran down her spine as she felt him pull out of her and raise his hand slightly. "What did you say?" he asked again, with more force, his hand hovering, threatening.

"Poor Rinoa," she uttered meekly.

The hand fell through the air in slow motion, but before it reached her, he jumped back from her, away and off. His back slammed into the wall, rattling the pictures much like the thunder that sounded behind him.

As Selphie turned her head she saw a slim figure standing in the doorway. Even in the dim she knew who it was. Reaching out one hand, she whispered, "You came… for me…"

But there was no strength left in Selphie. She fell limply to the floor, and as the world faded to black around her, she heard footsteps plop through the drenched carpet, shambling towards her. Never before had she felt more safe, knowing that someone was finally coming to rescue her from this pain that she had been living.

Just as the world was turning totally dark, she thought that maybe she heard someone singing. It sounded oddly like a lullaby, but she didn't know who would be singing something like that at a time such as this. It felt as if she was being shifted, her head propped up, and that was when she lost control of everything and succumbed to the darkness, which was crying her name softly, luring her into the depths.

And she ran to them.

* * *

Edea and Squall had talked for a few minutes alone before she decided it would be best to get out of the open and retire to her room for the night. She wasn't expecting Cid anytime soon, maybe not until tomorrow, and thought that she might as well sleep while she could.

"I will try to catch up with everyone more tomorrow, it has been a long journey here," she told Squall in parting.

After her departure, he wandered aimlessly around the campus for awhile. With everything going on, he wasn't sure what, or who, to believe, and that thought scared him.

There were so many questions that he didn't have any answers to, no matter how hard he tried. Getting restless, he thought that perhaps he might train.

Finally setting a goal, having that in mind made him feel a little more secure. His skin grew cold, however, when he realized where he had ended up, and that the quickest way to the training grounds was through the hospital wing. Something curled up inside him at the thought of passing past the room where Seifer was residing.

Sucking it up, he knew that he had to go. It would make him feel better if he could get through there. Boost his morale, and that was something he really needed to do, if only for himself. It's okay to be selfish every once-in-a-while, right?

Telling himself it was perfectly fine, that nothing would happen, he started off at a brisk pace. No point in making this longer than it should be.

A whirlwind of energy hit him as he was rounding the corner that led into the hall where Seifer was staying. His heart jumped to his throat as he saw Zell collapsed on the floor, thrown against the far wall and in a heap, like he had been a rag doll.

"Zell!" he cried out.

His body was limp, motionless.

Squall half ran, half slid to his fallen friend. The blonde martial artist was barely breathing, and as Squall ran a hand along his chest to feel for a pulse, he felt old demons, old temptations, rising within him. No, he told himself, not now, not now!

He heard the soft clicking of shoes coming around the opposite corner, and the ear-splitting sound of metal being dragged across linoleum.

Shooting a look to the closed door of the room right across from him, he instantly knew what had happened here. Even though he had no way of knowing, he knew that beyond that door was Quistis, quite possibly dying, and there was no way into that room unless he dealt with-

Seifer appeared around the corner.

Rising, Squall removed his blade from his belt. "I don't know what you are doing, but it is time to end this," he said through gritted teeth, just loud enough for the other man to hear.

"Our last duel," Seifer said with a smirk. "Let's see how it goes, eh?"

_Author's Note: Yup, upping the rating, hardcore._


	8. Hallway Havoc

Chapter Eight: Hallway Havoc

_Author's Note: There's no need to fear, Dear Matron Raenee, I have the hits thing and people are reading it, just not taking the time to review. So just knowing that people are at least stopping by to see what's up is enough for me. _

_As for an actual author's note, this chapter is going to be a little different than the others. This is Squall and Seifer's (final?) fight. All throughout this story I have been putting in little glimpses into the character's pasts. In this chapter, the italicized paragraphs are something that happened in the past, and regular script is going to be what is currently happening in the hallway. Got it? Yippee._

Squall rose from his squatting position next to Zell. He lifted his sword to the ready, waiting.

Silence filled the spaces between the two men as they stood there, perfectly still. Not another word was spoken, not another breath taken. Squall silently prayed that Zell and Quistis would be fine, that he would be able to settle this and save them. Zell he knew should be fine, but Quistis… tremors shook his steady arm from the rage he felt thinking about her. How could this animal before him do something so wretched?

"It's been-"

_"-a long time," Seifer spoke quietly, letting his voice ring across the empty spaces between them. They took another step closer to each other._

"I won't let you win, not this time," said Squall with vehemence in his voice. "There is no excuse for what happened here tonight."

Without any further warning Seifer slammed his blade against Squall's, sending sparks showering the both of them. It caught Squall off guard and his center of balance shifted, sending him staggering backward. His back slammed against the wall and the sword in his hands began slipping. When Hyperion sliced through the air again, he barely had enough time to dodge, sending the blade into the wall an inch from his ear.

_The two of them circled each other, eyeing the other, sizing them up. "You don't want to do this," Squall said. "This isn't how this is supposed to happen."_

_"We all have our reasons," Seifer exclaimed, moving yet closer._

"What are you doing?" Squall yelled. "What happened?"

_"More than you know," Seifer said with a small chuckle. With a burst of speed he had Squall pinned to the wall._

_"What happened to us?" he asked. "We used to be so…"_

Recovering from staggering, Squall swung his sword in a blind arc toward his foe. "How could you do that to Zell and Quistis?" he screamed, bubbling with rage.

The taller man caught the sword flying towards him with his own. Squall planted both feet firmly on the ground and pushed with all his might, fueled by his own anger. How could he have been so blind as to let him stay behind a locked door? Did he really think that Seifer had changed?

"I did nothing to them," Seifer replied through gritted teeth. "They did it all to themselves."

_Squall wanted out, wanted to not be pinned by Seifer, wanted so many things. All he needed was one burst of strength, one final surge to get out of this situation, but he knew that it was futile. _

_With Seifer's warm breath easing along his cheek, Squall felt something give way inside him. How could they fight, after all that had happened? He looked both ways down the darkened hallway, and when he saw no one swim into his line of sight, he leveled his gaze with the blond. "Why now?"_

_"Now is the only time we have," Seifer said, pressing his body tight to Squall's._

"How am I supposed to believe that?" Squall shouted, breaking the hold they had been in. "What the fuck happened here then? And where did you just come from?"

"None of your business. Are we going to finish this?" Seifer said, almost casually, sending chills spiraling down Squall's spine.

It was that moment when Squall realized that this was it. One of them was not going to walk away from this hallway. One of them was going to have to die, one of them was going to finally be victorious. After so many long years of petty rivalry, one of them was going to die.

And he was determined for it not to be him.

"Seifer, I tried… so much," Squall said, just loud enough for the other man to hear him. "I tried to let you back in, I tried so hard to let you back into our lives, and you ruin it. You ruin everything you touch, like a cancer."

Flames licked around the edges of Seifer's gunblade as he lunged back at Squall.

_The taller, blonde man had one hand pinning the smaller man to the wall. Staring intently into each other's eyes, each trying to read what the other was all about. There was always something deeper between them, something more than rivalry that got in the way of their almost friendship._

_Squall had always wanted it to stay hidden, he always tried to suppress his feelings for his rival. Both of them knew how the other felt, all along, but neither ever tried anything._

_Before now._

_The passion that had built between them promised to explode, and soon. _

Squall barely had time to steady himself and raise one hand for a counter-spell before Seifer slammed into him.

_They fell together, colliding in a spiral of lust. Squall leaned his head back as Seifer eased kisses down his neck. As soon as he got to the baseline of Squall's shirt, a fire erupted between them, and without realizing what was going on, they found themselves in a tangle of limbs on the ground, their shirts off._

_One hand roughly in Squall's hair, the other exploring lower sections, the blonde wanted nothing more than to drown in his eyes. Squall threw his head back and let out a surprised gasp of ecstasy. _

Ice flicked out at Seifer's blade, freeing the steel of the flames, freeing Squall of searing pain.

They continued to battle, swinging blades and shouting. In the back of his mind Squall wondered if anyone was going to notice, if there was anyone left in the area this late at night, or if Seifer had killed them all already. The fight was draining them both, and neither knew what to do about it. If one stopped, he was dead.

_"Love me, fuck me," Seifer said quietly._

_"I don't know if…"_

_"Just shut up and do," Seifer said, the usual sarcastic tone, but this time spoken with an overtone that was almost… joyous._

Squall let down his defense for one second and that was all it took. The other blade sliced cleanly through the air, not connecting with more metal. It sank into his upper arm, cutting neatly through his jacket.

Unleashing a cry of agony, Squall dropped his blade and fell to his knees. Zell was still unmoving about ten feet from him.

The only thing Squall could think of was if he didn't win this fight, which now it seemed unlikely, he wouldn't be able to help those he loved. Zell looked so pathetic, so lifeless, but alive. He would not remain so much longer if Squall wasn't standing between them.

As blood seeped down his arm, drenching his clothes and splattering on the ground, Seifer took one more step towards him and stopped. "This is the way the world ends," he whispered in a sing-song voice. "Not with a bang, but a whimper."

Kneeling before Squall, the sword tip poking into Squall's stomach just enough to hurt, Seifer used one hand to tip Squall's head up towards him.

His tear-stained eyes met Seifer's bold, confident ones. "Will you whimper for me?" he asked softly.

"Fuck… you," Squall choked out.

_The room heated up as the two figures rolled on the bed in extreme bliss. Neither wanted this night to end, but as soon as the sun came up they knew what would have to happen. "This is real, right?" Squall asked in a small voice._

_"This has to be real," Seifer assured him. "What else could this be?"_

_Author's Note: Ok, sorry this took so long! A lot of things came up, and I know that is no excuse. This also took awhile longer because I'm really not very used to writing action scenes… But I got through it. Who will come out on top! Poor Squall_


	9. I've Never Felt So Safe

Chapter Nine: I've Never Felt More Safe

_Author's Note: I am going to try to start fleshing out these chapters and making them a little longer. This one is going to focus on the aftermath of the hallway fight, as well as the aftermath of what happens to Selphie and Rinoa, as well as some more on Zell._

Everything was silent in the dark room. The rain had subsided, but the damage remained. Water dripped off every surface, soaked through everything in sight.

Sitting amongst the shadows was a girl, still a teenager, with dark hair and brown streaks. She cradled a smaller girl with short, honey-colored hair in her lap, stroking her head lightly and mouthing the words to a lullaby she remembered from a childhood now shattered. Several feet away from the pair was a middle-aged man with graying hair, in a heap beneath the window. From where the sitting girl was, she could not tell if he was breathing or not. Clouds still obscured most of the moon, and from the few rays that managed to slip the open window, she could see very little.

Not knowing how the girl in her lap was fairing, knowing only that the girl was alive, the sitting girl was not sure how to proceed. If she took any of this out into the world, the man under the window would be completely ruined. A dark part inside her told her that it was not only fair, but he deserved it for what he tried to do, and all that he had done in the past.

"What happened to you?" she asked the honey-haired girl, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Why did you need to come here?"

There was too much history in this house, and the only thing she wanted to do was get up and run, but she would not go anywhere without her friend. And this time… she sure as hell was not going anywhere until her father got what had been coming to him for a long time now.

With a soft gasp the girl in her lap woke up. She lifted her head up slightly, then let it fall with a wet slap back into her friend's lap. Her eyes fluttered open, gazing blankly around the room. When they hit the man under the window, a sob shuddered from her body and she began shaking with tears.

Rinoa held her closer, whispering kind words with an urgency that bordered on panic.

"I never meant…" Selphie said, her body going limp. "Why did this have to happen?"

There were no words that could comfort her. There was nothing Rinoa could say that would fix the damage that was caused. She had done everything she could and now it was up to Selphie to get out of these dark woods on her own.

"Selphie…" she whispered, just enough to get the other girl's attention.

She turned her head up to the girl over her, not bothering to hide the tears or the despairing look in her eye. "I don't know what…"

"Sh, it's okay, everything will be okay now," Rinoa said soothingly. "We need to get you to a doctor."

The girl's eyes filled with fright. She made no attempt to move, but Rinoa saw the beginning of fear in her. "No," she said before the girl could say another word, "It's for the best. We need to document this, so we can…"

"So we can what?"

Rinoa leveled her gaze on Selphie, giving her the most serious face she could manage. "So we can make sure nothing like this ever happens again."

"You mean… so this really…"

"It was a long time ago Selphie, and I'm better now. I've changed, just like you are going to. We can get through this together, if only you let me help you."

"I'm so sorry Rinoa, I didn't mean for you to come this far."

"I'm your friend," she said with a smile. "I would go to the ends of the world for a friend. Especially one in danger."

Something seemed to click in Selphie's mind and she broke down in another fit of tears. "I can't go back there!" She cried, turning her head away from Rinoa.

Knowing exactly what she was talking about, Rinoa leaned over and said directly into her ear, "When I left to come find you, Quistis was fine. There's nothing to worry about. Everything at Garden is okay."

"Are you sure?"

"I promise," Rinoa said earnestly, not knowing the lie she was telling, the gravity that went along with it. How could she have known?

There came a muffled grunt from across the room. Caraway shifted positions under the window, he was coming too.

Selphie was momentarily petrified with fear the moment she saw it, and stiffened up beneath Rinoa, who knew that they had to get out of there. She started trying to stand and pull her friend up at the same time, saying "We have to get out of here now!"

Caraway was slowly collecting himself, and Rinoa knew that they had to get out of there before he fully recovered. Her daddy would not be very pleased when he woke up and found that it was his own daughter who did that to him.

Instead of getting up to run, when Selphie saw him pulling himself up, she locked up and screamed. Rinoa jumped to her feet and ran to the bedstand, searching for anything she could use as a weapon.

"What the hell…?" Caraway asked, looking around the room, trying to gather his bearings. He settled on the dark figure running to the bedside. "Rinoa?" he asked, not believing what he was seeing. After she left, he thought that she would never come back, he was certain of it.

Scooping up a lamp in her hands, Rinoa turned on her father. "Selphie," she said slowly, "Come over here, please." She never took her gaze off her father.

Selphie let a small whimper escape from her throat but started pulling herself across the carpet towards her friend.

"What is the meaning of this?" Caraway asked, trying to take on a fatherly tone.

"Shut it. That won't work on me, not anymore," Rinoa said, closing her eyes for a second to shake away bad memories. "I know exactly what you were doing, and I can't let it continue."

Caraway rushed his daughter, but she brought the lamp down with all her might, shattering it against his head. Porcelain shards splattered with blood flew everywhere, littering the wet carpet. His scream shook the room and make Selphie jump, finally climbing to her feet. She looked from Caraway, grabbing his head on the floor, to Rinoa, who was breathing heavily above him.

Gathering herself back together, Rinoa ran to the door to the corridor, grabbing Selphie's hand and pulling her along. Selphie kept glancing over her shoulder at the open door, but managed to keep her balance and not fall as she was lead swiftly down the stairs and out the front door.

"The next train leaves soon, we'll be okay. We will get you back to the Garden, have you checked up, and then we'll deal with all this…" Rinoa said as they ran.

The front door was still open, spilling yellow light into the night. When Rinoa looked over her shoulder for the last time, she saw a figure standing in the entrance, filling nearly the entire frame. It raised one fist that gleamed as the light reflected off the blood that had not yet begun to dry.

* * *

It felt like he had been hit with a train. The last thing Zell remembered was seeing Quistis, and he thought she was dying. She was lying across the bed that until recently Seifer had occupied. And then everything was black… 

He woke up when something wet slid into one of his hands. Eyes opening, he saw… red.

The hallway was bathed in blood. His hand sat in a puddle of thickening red ooze, and he jerked it toward him and sat bolt upright. Doing so caused his head to swim and his vision to blank out momentarily.

Blinking away the blackness, he slowly collected his wits.

Blood dripped from the walls, made pools on the floor. The scene was horrifying already, made only worse by the fact that he did not know who the blood belonged to. After a few moments of sitting in silence, he heard something that sounded like soft whimpering. Was someone crying?

Trying to decipher where the sound was coming from, he swiveled his head back and forth, until he saw it. The door to the room he had last seen Quistis in was open, faint light escaping into the hallway. It seemed to be bouncing off things to make it outside, the lamp it originated from must have been knocked over. Sure enough, when he titled his ear that way, he heard soft sobs emanating from the room.

Who was in there?

There wasn't a body, not out in the hall. He wondered what had happened out there, while he had been out. And how long was that, exactly?

So many questions swirled through his head, so many that had no answers.

The small man tried to pull himself up to his feet, an act that took more than a few attempts itself. Once he was successfully on his feet, his knees threatened to give out on him at anytime. A bad mix of fear and helplessness hit him full force, making it nearly impossible for him to walk.

He had to know what was in that room.

Stumbling across the hallway, he fell against the doorframe. Grabbing the molding at the last second, he managed to remain standing to see the sight that greeted him.

The first thing he saw was Quistis, laying on the bed. Her eyes were closed, her head tilted back, her hands crossed over her stomach. She looked completely peaceful, at ease, and for that, Zell was eternally thankful. There was still some rosy glow in her cheeks, so he knew that at least she wasn't dead.

Blood splattered the wall above her head and trailed in imperfect flecks to the body that lay on the other side of the bed, and the figure hunched over it, his head held in his hands, trying to stop the sobs that threatened to tear him apart.

The body was totally covered in blood, matting the hair to the forehead in a sticky mess. Zell's first impulse was to vomit, but he gagged it back in order to avoid making this mess more than it needed to be. A gaping wound was slashed all down his front, spilling blood and thicker things into a pool on the floor.

A hand flew to his mouth and he wanted to look away, but knew that he could not deny what had occurred here. The figure kneeling had blood soaked through all his clothes, dripping off his fingers as the drying blood on them mixed with sweat and tears from his face. He did not turn even though it was apparent someone was behind him, and the sobs subsided, leaving the room in silence, and with the lighting messed up as it was, a creepy feeling settled quickly over the battlefield.

Zell pulled himself back when he caught himself thinking those words. This was a hospital, they were supposed to be safe here, but the truth was… in the lives they have always lead, no place was sacred, no place was safe. The room where they were supposed to use to get better in was covered in violent blood.

The whole situation was beginning to get to him, and he clutched his stomach, not sure how much more he could take.

Finally, the kneeling figure whispered, "I did what I had to do." Even though it was said quietly, it echoed across the room to rebound in Zell's ears. The evenness of the voice shook him, made him cringe, like he was really interrupting a private moment.

Of course, killing something may perhaps be more intimate than sex, if the situation calls for it. During the Sorceress War, lives were thrown away and no one thought as to what that meant. All the life force had been drained from the planet, all those lives wasted, their energy becoming nothing more than just that.

"I-I understand…" Zell said, taking one tentative step into the room. His foot fell in a pool of blood and he went careening backwards.

His back collided with the cold tile and he let out a wail of pain, agony, and a million other emotions that he had been trying to keep pent up this whole time.

Squall rose and turned to face his fallen friend. Blood hid his face from view, and the thick wet substance slid down. Tears had cleared two paths down his face, and Zell felt useless when he saw the look in his eyes. It was the kind of pain that no words can describe, it was the kind of unbearable truth that only those who have experienced could possibly fathom.

"I-I-I…" Squall started, but couldn't manage to get the words out. Pausing, he took a deep breath and tried again. "I have to go get Cid, he'll know what to do…"

"You… finally did it," Zell said, not believing what really was going on.

Squall shot him a confused and withering look. "What?"

"Seifer… it's finally over."

Looking back over his shoulder, Squall closed his eyes. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

"Well, how do you feel?"

"What do you mean?" Squall yelled in an outrage. "What do you expect from me? What do you want from me?"

Zell propped himself up on his elbows and backed away from the angry swordsman until his back hit the wall. Slipping in blood, it was a constant struggle to remain standing. So much blood, everywhere…

Could one person shed this much blood? It was utter insanity in that room. Zell could feel the edges of his self-control begin to crumble. Everything around him dripped blood, and Squall loomed before him, covered in it, the tears not even beginning to slow still cascading down his face.

"I don't know!" Zell shouted up at him.

Anger completely overtook the sadness in Squall eyes and he lifted his gunblade with one arm. Zell threw his arms over his head and ducked, not knowing what to expect next.

Once again there was only silence, and he was terrified to lower his arms for fear of what he might find.

Sliding one arm down just enough to get a view of the room, he saw that Squall was gone. Letting both arms fall limply to his sides, he realized that whatever broke in this room tonight was not going to be repaired with the ease that it was shattered.

* * *

It was late, and Edea could not sleep. Cid still had not returned from his office, and she wondered what was taking him so long. She knew that he had a lot to work on here for the time being, but he still should get some sleep and there was a whole new mess of problems involving her that she wasn't sure what to do with. 

Donning a robe, she left her chambers and started walking the halls of the Garden, the place that once she tried to destroy. She took a moment to think what would have happened if she had succeeded, all these young people would be either dead or homeless, at the very least.

Going up the elevator, a sense of impending doom settled on her.

When the door opened on the darkened office, she knew that something was wrong. Taking one step into the room, she let out a horrified scream that rang throughout the Garden.


	10. Just Come Home

Chapter Ten: Just Come Home

_Author's Note: Finally! I really was beginning to think that that night was going to go on forever! But we're all good now, and in order to properly everything that is going on, this chapter is going to consist entirely of flashbacks of all the characters. Some will be at points during the game, some will be before, and yada yada yada. Only one thing is for certain in this chapter: a whole lotta angst!_

Edea was transported back in time, colors blurring into shades, spinning around in vortexes of pain.

She remembered one night with her and Cid. He had just learned that the sorceress behind all the attacks, and the war, was his one and only wife, his true love. Everything was still going strongly in her favor at that point, and she was confident that all her plans were falling directly into place.

Sitting in her throne room, silken drapes hanging all around her, she was thinking about her next move: the parade. It was going to be the perfect opportunity to draw those SeeD trouble-makers out and finish them off once and for all. She had basically every angle covered, and knew that her plan was going to go off without a hitch.

The door flew open behind her, slamming harshly against the walls. A breeze from the balcony fluttered past her, lifting her hair up beautifully around her. She was not unnerved, or frightened. Instead, she felt a rush of something like adrenaline run through her.

"What do you want?" she asked in a soft hiss.

The voice that answered sent her off guard, and she was glad her back was to him. Her smirk faded around the edges and she had to work to regain her perfect composure. "I need to talk to you…"

"Cid?" she asked harshly. She knew it was him, but she had to be certain, and couldn't risk turning around.

"You know who I am," he muttered, taking a few steps closer to her.

"Come any closer and I will have you killed." Thoughts of all she had done went spinning through her mind. All that Cid would not have approved of, not in a million years. "You can't be here."

He took one more cocky step. Edea raised her hand and waved it at him. A great flame shot forth and struck him dead in the chest. He fell backward, but did not make a sound. The only thing that told Edea her spell had hit was his back thudding solidly against the floor. Dragging himself back to his feet, he said, "You know you are going to have to do better than that to get rid of me."

"Why are you here?" She asked, trying her hardest to mask the hurt.

"Why else would I be here? I want to know what you've done! What you're… doing! What has gotten into you?"

She wanted to weep, and knew that he sensed that. He was coming closer and there was nothing she could do about it, nothing that she wanted to do. There was this… beast inside her, yes… Ultimecea, but deep down, she was still herself, and would forever remain that way. From the beginning she knew that Cid was going to be angry, but that did not stop her. Not in the slightest. With her newfound powers and Ultimecea's nagging, she knew that she would be unstoppable if she put her powers into use. Anyone with that knowledge would use that power, would do what they could. Or so she told herself.

Before she could stand to meet him, he was in front of her and put one hand on either shoulder. "Why are you doing this?"

She saw the tears in his eyes and wanted to collapse in his arms, but knew that she couldn't. One of the luxuries that she once took for granted had been ripped out from beneath her, and she was on her own, in this world she had created for herself, in this world that she was destined to rule. The pain showed in her eyes and she let it. "I am doing this because I have to."

"Have to do what? Kill?"

Meeting his gaze, letting a solitary tear fall, she whispered, "I have to do what I have to do."

Feeling Ultimecea rise within her, she pushed Cid back. He was off his balance and nearly fell, but Edea had to remain strong. She rose to her feet, her gown billowing behind her. Pulling her skin tight gloves taught on her frail hands, she moved out onto the balcony. "There is no other way, Cid."

"There is always another way, you taught me that, so long ago…"

When his hands wrapped around her from behind, the cool night breeze blowing her head back to rest on his shoulder, she knew that if she really wanted to, she could fight this. She could take on Ultimecea and win, but it was her own self-doubt that held her back. "Maybe the lesson you heard was different than the one I taught, Headmaster…"

He laid one gentle kiss on her neck.

Her lust rose up and threw Ultimecea back into the depths, sending her spiraling back downward with rolls of need, want. "Cid…" she breathed.

"No, I need this just as much as you do."

"We're enemies… I'm after your precious children…"

"The children that you helped raise! They are all there, all those kids from the orphanage!" Cid said with urgency. "You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to your children, and you know that, somewhere…"

Her body was beyond reacting to him at this point, and all she wanted to do was give herself over to him. "If you throw them in harm's way, there's really nothing I can do about that."

All she wanted was his body, the touch of his hand on her naked skin. "Cid…" she said, a hiss of breath. "Cid, forget about everything, and give me this night, please."

He pulled back from her and turned her to face him. "Are you telling me that this won't mean a thing tomorrow?"

Completely serious, she replied, "It will always mean everything to me, you have always meant the world to me. You will not get harmed as long as you don't stand in my way."

"You know I can't do that…"

"I know," she said, starting the process of slipping out of her dress. "I know…"

* * *

It was the start of their last year at the orphanage. Autumn was in full swing, and they gathered out on the beach for an afternoon game of tag. Seifer was "It" first, as usual, and the other players, Quistis, Zell, Squall, and Selphie, ran from him as he sat, giving them some time to run.

The game was always freeze tag, Zell's personal favorite, though he never told the others. He knew that if Seifer realized it was, he would choose not to play sometimes, and Zell wanted to continue on playing.

They were all reaching puberty, the girls filling out and the boys voices were changing.

A cold ocean breeze blew along the sand, tinted with the scent of salt. Selphie loved the beach, the ocean. Even if this one was a little barren, from what she had seen on trips and the like, she still liked this particular one immensely. It was home to her.

Quistis was reaching the age where she was getting too old for these childish games, but still liked to play. She knew that she was probably the least athletic kid in the group, but that was fine by her. On any given day she would rather be in her room studying, getting ready for Garden, but she knew that part of it was combat, and she needed to be spry if nothing else, so she always chose to participate in the games.

Squall wasn't really into playing the game, he would rather sit around and think about things such as his sister and more pressing matters, but he also had the childish motivation to fit in. Undergoing puberty, he was beginning to go through the trials of sexual awakenings, and felt that he could tell no one what he felt. One moment he would be getting "one of those things" for Quistis or Selphie, and the next he would feel something deep tug at him for Seifer or Zell. More Seifer, and as time went on, the other boy became lodged in his dreams, coming on to him, seducing him with his taunting and teasing.

No one knew where Squall would go, and he went there for a specific reason: Seifer knew about it. When they played this game Seifer would usually get a couple people tagged and then pretend to run for someone else, and go to the cove where Squall was on his way to now. They used to just play around and tease each other, but lately it had been getting more… intense, or something. Squall could not really think of anything to describe what he felt when he was alone with the blonde.

On this particular day, however, Zell decided he wanted to know where his friend went where no one could find him. It was no secret that Squall knew the best hiding place, but he was usually too fast to keep up with, and Zell would just round a bend and he would be gone.

Today he was determined to find out. He knew it was somewhere at the bottom of the cliff that held the lighthouse, and that it probably was in some hidden cave that you had to poke around for.

He found a nice spot where he was sure Seifer wouldn't see him, and waited until Selphie was tagged, frozen to the spot, water lapping at her ankles. Sometimes they would get tagged a little too far out and a wave would come and knock them over. That was always humorous, and Zell was slightly bummed that Selphie wasn't further out.

The girl in the waves saw Zell crouched behind some rocks and made pleaded looks at him with her eyes. Zell rolled his eyes back at her and pointed towards where Squall always disappeared to every time they played. She seemed to catch the hint and turned her head slightly in the other direction to look for Quistis. They all wanted to know where the boys went during their play sessions. Whenever one of them asked Squall about it, he would just shrug them off, like he did with everyone, all the time.

Taking off at a trot, the boy wound along the coastline a little way down, until he could look up and see the lighthouse directly above him.

"Now, where would you go?" he asked the air.

A little stream went from the beach and flowed between two large boulders. There wasn't much room to squeeze in, and one would have to get wet during the process, but there was a possibility that they went under there.

"That's nonsense," he told himself. "They were never wet when we finally would find them."

Of course… they were gone for long periods of time. That might be enough for them to get each other dry by standing around and letting the wind take care of it, but Zell could not be certain. He wanted to know, and he did not mind in the slightest getting wet.

Dropping on all fours, he wiggled his way between the rocks, trying to make as little noise as possible. He splashed around a little to wedge in, but he made it without too much of a fuss.

Sure enough, there was a cave under the cliff! Amazed, Zell was not certain what he thought it would be like, but this place stretched on for awhile. There was only a little bit of light that spilled around the edges of the rocks hiding the entrance.

He stood and listened for a moment. Thinking he heard a muffled grunt, his first impulse was to run and see who was hurt. When he opened his mouth to shout to them and to see what was wrong, he heard something else that made him shut it.

"Oh…"

Was that a moan? He thought. What the hell was going on?

There was some heavy breathing and Zell was compelled to take a look around the corner to see what –exactly –was happening. When he put one of his hands on the rock wall to steady himself, he brushed something that felt soft, and very un-rock.

Picking it up and holding it too the light he let out a quiet gasp of shock. He was holding Squall's shirt in his hands!

Now he was not sure if he wanted to know what they were doing or not. But something made him take that last step to see around the corner.

The light that made it this far hit bare legs on the sand. Two pairs were intertwined with each other, rocking back and forth. The tops of both bodies were in the darkness and hidden from view. Zell stared wide-eyed, but could not pull away.

Though he did not quite realize it, he felt deep down that this was what he wanted, that he would be in either of their shoes in a moment. He wanted what they had, that lust.

Anger boiled inside him when he thought of them having something that none of the other children at the orphanage shared, but he knew that he would do nothing about it. He wasn't one for confrontation, and he knew that anything he did they would shoot down. Both of them were too proud to think that maybe they could be open with this. Yeah, they would both deny that this ever occurred until the day they died. They were supposed to be rivals, right? And rivals never did… that, did they?

As Zell turned to run out of that cave, he splashed extra loud, a lot more than he had to, just to let them know that they had been found out, maybe to scare them. He wanted to feel like he was in control, when he knew that it was the last thing he would ever have…

* * *

"I have things to do, and I can't waste my time here," Rinoa spat at her father. The group had just stopped by his mansion for his help in stopping the sorceress, but apparently there was no interest. He did not want to risk anything that he had in order to aid his daughter.

"You ran out on me last time, and maybe I have some things I need to say to you!" Caraway yelled. "You are my daughter, you can at least hear what I have to say before you run out again!"

"Listen," she said. "After what I had to put up with, all of it, I had every right to leave. I did more than you will ever know by not going to the press with the story of how you helped advance your political career!" She tried to run past him to get out the door, but he grabbed her by the arm and violently shoved her back into the room.

"I am NOT done here!" He shouted. "Yes, you were a very good girl not to tell anyone. What do you think I would have done to you had you told a soul about what happened within these walls?"

Rinoa stared at him as though she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What would you have done? Please, tell me what you would have done to your own daughter?"

"Whatever I would have to, to get you to shut up," Caraway threatened.

"How dare you still threaten me!" Rinoa said. "I am perfectly capable of making it on my own, and everyday I gather more and more powerful friends at my side."

"Rinoa, I know why you really came back," he said, dropping his tone.

Flabbergasted, she replied with, "Really? I would like to know." She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him skeptically.

He moved closer to her, making sure to keep himself between her and the door. "You came back because you wanted more, didn't you?"

"Oh my God!" Rinoa screamed, backing up until her back hit the wall. "You are unbelievable!"

He put one hand on either side of her head firmly on the wall. "It's nothing to be ashamed of," he whispered lightly in her ear. "Just close your eyes, it will be like old times…"

"I'll scream, my friends will be sure to hear me. They are just downstairs!"

"So what?" he asked.

She was confused. "What are you talking about?"

He let one of his arms drop to his coat pocket. Digging around for a second, it emerged holding a small, plain looking key. "They are… preoccupied."

The girl's eyes filled with terror, which caused Caraway to smile. "No one will come to save you, no white knight will ride in on his horse."

"You bastard," she hissed.

He grabbed her dress, yanking it up with one hand and plunging his other one down the front of her undergarments. She scream and kicked at him, but to no avail. This had all been set up, and she was not strong enough to deal with this on her own. He knew that, and he planned for this to all go this way.

There was a window a few feet away. If she could reach it…

True, they were on the second story, but she knew a hell of a lot of healing magic, and that would sure come in handy after the fall. She might be able to do it quick enough so that she would have good enough of a head start that she could get to the parade. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that her friends down below had found the secret passage leading to the sewers, so she could definitely find her own way. She knew this city like the back of her hand, and could maneuver her way anywhere without being seen.

She just had to get there, and in order to do that, she had to play the game… no matter how much it hurt her.

Leaning in, she began to return her father's kiss, which took him off guard. She didn't wonder if her not wanting any of this turned him on, she knew the answer as sure as she knew she had to get out of there, and now.

Running one hand through his hair that only had the first signs of grey, she lead him on as she had done to few other men in her short life.

When it seemed as though he was buying her act, she brought one knee up hard, ramming it with all her might into his crotch, and he doubled over in pain, uttering a piercing wail.

Rinoa didn't think, and had no time to open the window, so she lunged for it, shattering the glass.

Clear blades cut into her pale skin as she fell, and she thought that she might black out once she hit the pavement. Connecting with the unforgiving cement, she heard something crack. Lucky it wasn't her skull, and glad for it, she pulled some spells to the forefront of her memory and pointed to different sections of her body. She looked up to see her father at the window, trying to straighten his clothes before leaving the room, knowing he should not leave any evidence behind.

No doubt some servants were knocking at the door, wondering what was going on. Rinoa got up quickly, brushed off some of the glass that stuck to her clothes. The bruises that didn't heal right away she would pass off as some of the roughness that she had to endure to get to the sorceress. None of the others were supposed to be with her, so she knew it would go over with them.

Staggering away, her speed was slightly reduced, but she managed to take off at a slow jog in the direction of the bright lights and loud music.

This isn't over, father, she thought, and ran to meet her destiny.

_Author's Note: Wow that's a long one! And I wrote it in under a day? Wow! Matron, you, as usual… make me very happy. _

_I hope no one freaks out that I changed a few… minor details about the night of the parade. It has been a long while since I played the game, and I don't really have the time to go back and relive the experience. The things that have been altered were done so to enhance my story. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. :-P_


	11. Kind of Like Reality

Chapter Eleven: Kind of Like Reality

_Author's Note: Matron, haha, my AIM SN is BladedSorrow, in case you ever want to talk lol, and I am online a lot of the time._

_I really enjoyed writing that last chapter, so I think I may have to put some more flashback chapters in here later. Oh how I love messing with fantasy character's lives! This chapter brings us back to Garden, the next morning. Who knows what will happen?_

_There is a warning I must make for this chapter. This one contains some … more explicit yaoi in it than the last one. I kinda pumped it up for this. If that REALLY grosses you out, I suggest that you read the first part and… maybe skip the second half of the chapter. No flames, that won't help anything. Thanks!_

The room they were in on the train was quiet. Neither of them spoke, and the first rays of sunlight spread across the floor, creeping ever closer to the pair sitting on one of the benches, staring in different directions, lost in different thoughts.

Rinoa could barely contain her rage toward her father, and was going to give him hell like he had never seen before. Hopefully they got to a doctor to have Selphie's injuries examined and documented soon, or else they may not be able to have a case. And she so wanted to do something to send her father to the hell where he belonged. They could not have gone to a doctor in the city, Caraway could have arranged for that to be covered up. He had a lot of sway there.

The girl next to her was curled up in a little ball, taking up the least amount of room possible. Selphie wanted nothing more than to forget everything that had happened to her in the past twelve hours and go on living her life.

It was bad enough she was being taken back to Garden, a place she had seriously hoped never to see again. As much as she loved Rinoa for getting her out of that situation, she felt some impending dread hitting her whenever she thought of the place she called home. All she really wanted to do was to sever all ties, but at this point it seemed like she was going to have to face reality, and her mistakes, and return there.

The thing she was worried about most was Quisits. What if she wasn't okay when they got back? What if she was hurt, or worse? Selphie would never be able to live with herself, and would rather not know than have that guilt resting on her shoulders. If it wasn't real then she could push it to the back of her mind and forget about it for periods of time.

Neither of them wanted to disrupt the silence, but they knew they were going to have to talk eventually. The train was still a ways away from Balamb, and even when they reached that they had to make the hike to Garden.

Rinoa got to a point where she couldn't take it anymore. She looked over at Selphie and back to the window. "Listen…" she started, but the sentence died because she didn't know what she really wanted to say, or what she could say that would improve the situation.

The other girl looked over her shoulder at her, then set her head down on her knees.

"I'm so sorry," Rinoa said.

That made Selphie look at her. "For what?" she asked.

Rinoa stopped, not sure how to phrase what she wanted to say. "We used to be so close, and I never… told you about any of that stuff with my father."

Selphie sat up on the seat. Her feet barely scraped the floor of the train. "Can I see them?"

Confused, she replied, "See what?"

She didn't know how to go about this, getting what she wanted, so Selphie stayed silent for a minute before responding. When she did, all she did was pretend to drag a razor across the flesh of her wrist.

Seeing that, Rinoa closed her eyes and gasped. She choked back on the tears that sprang to her eyes and she turned her head away from Selphie.

"Oh God, no, never mind. I'm overstepping my bounds…" Selphie said quickly, trying to repair whatever damage she did.

"No… you're not overstepping anything," Rinoa said quietly. Her fingers played at the edges of the black cloth that covered her wrists. "How… how did you find out about that?"

Selphie slid closer to Rinoa, easily gliding to a position where she was sitting on her knees on the seat, her face inches away from Rinoa's. "When I stayed in your house… I was looking for something, I can't even remember anymore, and I found this basket under your sink…"

"How is that still there?" Rinoa didn't ask Selphie the question, she just let it hang in the air. "Why didn't he… do anything with it?"

"Rinoa…" Selphie said, hugging her friend close. "Please, I need to see this for it to be real…"

For a space of heartbeats Rinoa had the urge to deny that anything had happened to her, that she never did anything to herself. But she knew that it was too late for that, and it would only be fair for her to show Selphie, to give her what she asked for. Rinoa had seen Selphie at her weakest mere hours ago, it would only be right to return the favor.

"Okay, hold on…" Rinoa said gently, easing down the cloth that hung tight around her wrists. She had bought those the morning after her first cutting incident.

Even though the scars were old and fading, it still brought a look of fear and dismay into Selphie's eyes. She couldn't hide it fast enough, and Rinoa saw it. All she wanted to do was cry, instead she ripped the sleeves back into place. "Showing you that was a mistake."

"No, I needed to… for all this to be real." Selphie said, tearing up herself. "How can your father live with himself?"

"I don't know, but we're going to make sure that he gets what he deserves," Rinoa said, taking one of Selphie's hands firmly in hers. "We won't let him get away with this again, right?"

"Right," Selphie said, not sure if she meant it or not. She wanted to run out of the train, to get off at the next stop and just run, keep running until she found a place where she could settle down and finally get on with her life, instead of being stuck in this hell. It was a hell she made only for herself, but one that was just as strong as any other.

She was really thankful that Rinoa had saved her, thankful beyond words, but she couldn't stay with them. That much she knew. She just hoped that she could keep herself together until she had accomplished everything that Rinoa wanted from her. Then she would slip into the background, disappear again, and this time for good.

"Why did you come for me?" she asked, slipping away from Rinoa and looking back towards the door.

"I had to."

Selphie did not quite understand. "Why didn't anyone come with you?"

Rinoa paused. She didn't know how much to reveal to her friend without making her freak out about the whole situation of going back in the first place.

"Rinoa, what's wrong? Tell me."

Locking eyes with her friend, Rinoa knew that she had better tell the truth. "A lot has been going on. There might be something wrong with Quistis." When she saw Selphie's guilty look she quickly added, "But we think she is going to be fine, she's just a little sick."

"That can't be it."

"No," Rinoa sighed, silently cursing the honey-haired girl for being able to see through her so easily. "Seifer's back, but he's borderline comatose, so I don't think there's much to worry about there."

"What else?"

"Cid's back to take Quistis' place until she feels better. He brought Edea with him…"

"What?" Fear rang through Selphie like a hot knife through butter. She scrambled until her back hit the arm of the bench. "Matron?"

"There's really nothing to worry about, I think everything is going to be okay," Rinoa said.

"Why don't I believe you?"

"It's personal, why I don't want to see her again," Rinoa tried to explain.

"And you think it won't be personal with me too? She basically raised me and then tried to kill me, us, all of us!"

"I know…" Rinoa said, at a complete loss for words.

Selphie seemed to quiet down and laid her head against the seat. "I don't know if I will be able to deal with this…" she whispered, and began to cry.

Her raven-haired friend just stared at her, not knowing what she could say, what she could do, in order to lift the burden from the fragile girl before her. There were no words that could make this right, and she knew it wasn't fair to drag her back into all that drama, but she knew that she had no choice.

Certain things couldn't be avoid, like fate.

* * *

"Fuck!" Squall shouted, slamming a wet hand against the tile in the shower. Hot water cascaded down his body, removing sweat and blood, burning some wounds that were still sore to the touch. "Fuck!" he yelled again, not sure what else to say.

When he ran to get Cid, he met Edea coming off the elevator. She had been in tears and ranting about something that he could not comprehend. As he rushed to the elevator, jamming his finger into the up button, her words began to don on him and he sank back on his heels, let out a breath of air, and turned to the task of trying to calm her down.

Now he was completely lost, he did not know what he could do to make things better at Garden. Cid's body had been taken out of his former office and they were arranging the burial at the moment. The office was being cleaned, getting ready for whenever Quistis woke up. She was laying in a different hospital room now than the one she was found in, but she showed no signs of waking up.

And Seifer… his body was removed, and the process of cleaning up the hallway and that room began. It was up to Squall as to what to do with the body, meaning if they were going to have a funeral or not. Personally, he thought it was very unfair that that particular burden fell to him, but he knew that it was the last thing he could do for the man he killed.

Standing in the shower, he still felt the heat of the fight weigh down on him. All he wanted was to block last night out of his mind. For Christ's sake, he almost killed Zell… his best friend…

The door to the bathroom opened, and Squall turned, trying to see out of the foggy glass to tell who was in the room with him.

"Squall…" a male voice said. He recognized it at once: Zell.

One of the panes slid open, revealing the small blonde man, standing completely nude before Squall. Squall was speechless, not sure what he should do. It was obvious what the other man wanted, painfully obvious, but Squall was not sure if he could handle it.

"Zell," he began, but was silenced.

"It was me," Zell said, stepping into the spray of the shower and closing the shower behind him.

"What do you mean?"

"That day on the beach, it was me that saw you and…" Zell stopped, not wanting to say the name, not wanting to stir up bad memories so soon. "That saw you in the cave back at the orphanage."

Squall could only stare at him. He was standing before him, a blonde wet dream powerhouse, and Squall had no words. For so long he had wondered about Zell, what it would feel like to touch him, to love him. But now that he finally had the chance he could not bring himself to close the distance between them. He had Rinoa, so nothing with Zell could ever be made real.

Feeling hopeless and lost, Zell turned to exit the shower. "This was dumb, I shouldn't have come here…"

One hand was one the shower door when Squall was behind him, taking him in his arms for a tight embrace. Zell instantly fell back against his friend's slender frame and gave in to all the feelings that had been flying through him for the past couple days.

Still not sure what Squall wanted, Zell remained motionless, but prone to him. What was this supposed to be? He wondered, closing his eyes and just praying that this whole thing was real.

Squall's hand slid down the front of Zell's body, exploring the path the water took as it fell down his ripped torso. His hand stopped, hovering right above the waistline, and Zell's body instantly reacted, and he knew exactly what he wanted to happen next.

Spinning around, Zell and Squall met in a whirlwind of kisses and caresses. They explored each other's bodies for the first time, each thinking the same thing: that as amazing as this was, it was going to be over all too soon.

In his mind, Zell could see them living out the rest of their lives together, but knew that nothing like that could ever happen. He wished that somehow they could be there for each other, and only each other. Rinoa shifted in and out of his thoughts and he wanted her to remain in the shadows. She was not there, she could not tell what her boyfriend was doing, what he was thinking.

To Squall, this seemed like a crazy dream, one that was swiftly getting out of hand. As much as this had been a secret fantasy of his for as long as he could remember, he knew it could not ever truly be. Soon Rinoa would be home with Selphie and life would have to go on the way it did. That was just the way the world was.

He wasn't even sure if he would reject Rinoa if he could. They were bound together, and he did not know if he could live each and every day seeing her, interacting with her, and not be able to do all the things he used to with her. That might drive him crazy.

On the other hand, here he was, in the shower with the perfect male specimen. As he turned Zell so his chest pressed up against the glass and positioned them perfectly.

"This is the first day of the rest of our lives," Squall said, and meant it. From here on nothing was going to be the same.


	12. Losing Ground

Chapter Twelve: Losing Ground

_Uh-oh! And who is on their way to Garden at that very moment? This chapter is going to have sooooo much angst from two people, can you guess who? Warnings for this one will probably be… language? Yes, I think so. And bad thoughts. A lot of bad thoughts._

can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...  
fuck i'll give you anything if  
you can make the damn thing work

can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,  
fuck ill pay you anything  
if you can end this  
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?  
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?

"_The Perfect Fit" by The Dresden Dolls_

Afternoon sunlight fell across the bed and the two figures laying entwined in each other's embrace. Zell could not believe that this had finally happened, after so long of him dreaming about it, wishing for it. He shook awake when a bird chirped right outside the window, and as he looked groggily around the room he smiled for the first time in a while.

This felt so good, so… right. He never wanted any of this to end. Looking up into the other man's sleeping face, he craned his neck up and planted a soft kiss right on his lips.

"I love you Squall Leonhart," he whispered.

Running one hand down his flat chest, Zell explored his friend without fervor this time. He took all the time he wanted running his palm up and down, trying to memorize all his parts.

When Squall gave a soft groan and rolled over, Zell took his hand back, not sure if the other man was awakening or not. He decided to spoon him, and tucked his chin in the pocket made where Squall's shoulder met his neck. "Squall…" he said into his ear.

Finally rousing from his slumber, Squall turned over. A flicker of confusion shot through his eyes before he remembered all that had happened in the past few hours.

"Hi…" he mumbled, sleep choking in his throat. His voice was horse, and he wished that he had some water.

"I love you," Zell said, nestling his head into the warm skin of Squall's back.

The other man remained silent.

"Squall?"

So many emotions were running through Squall's head, blowing him out of orbit. He wanted to return the gesture, tell the man laying with him that he did, indeed, love him as well, but so many other things got in the way of him saying those three simple words. God knew when Rinoa would return home, but it seemed like she might at any moment, burst in upon the scene in his bedroom.

"Zell… I'm not going to lie to you," he said, turning to face his nearly life-long friend.

"About what?"

"This, all this," Squall started, sweeping his hand down the length of them, "can't happen."

Zell's eyes clouded over and the smile was wiped clean from his face. "What do you mean?"

Squall hesitated, not sure he wanted to bring it up. "It's Rinoa." Honesty was always the best policy, right? He knew that it could be harsh, and he usually came off that way, but it was the only way to get through most situations. Lying would only cause more misery later on, and the one thing Squall did not want to see was his friend in pain that was caused by him.

The shorter man stiffened before rolling out of the bed, landing on his feet. He was already halfway into his pants by the time Squall crawled to the edge of the bed, gathering the sheets around him, not sure whether he should be embarrassed by his nudity or not. Everything in the past few hours had been so confusing.

"Listen, Zell, please don't go away mad."

"What would I be mad at?" Zell asked sarcastically. "That you used me? That you did all those things to me, and now you regret it?"

"I don't regret it…"

"Then why? Didn't that feel right to you?" he almost was fully dressed, pulling his shirt over his head, down over the ripped abs that Squall had to turn away from.

"You know why," Squall was trying his hardest to keep his voice calm, but knew that the pain he was feeling do this was coming through underneath. "I'm in love with Rinoa."

"Then why me? Why now?" Zell stomped one foot down and glared at the man he had just had sex with.

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Seifer is dead! Do you know what that means for me, for all of us? I was confused!"

Zell gave him an utterly disbelieving look before storming out of the room, slamming the door shut with all his might. He could not bear to hear those words emanate from the one he had harbored lust for all this time. Now he realized that since that day in the cave he had always wanted what they had, and with both of them.

He knew now that it was Seifer that night in the hall before the Dollet mission. So that man, who was now dead, as crazy as that sounded, had fulfilled Zell's dream. And now, after all this time, Squall did too. Should he have expected more from Squall? Why?

No answers greeted him as he fled down the halls, getting strange glances from the children around him.

* * *

The train rattled to a stop and Selphie knew that there was no going back. As much as she would love to remain on the train forever, to go wherever it would take her, she knew that she had to go back to Balamb Garden, it was time for her return. She was beginning to accept the fact that, though this life may not be the one she intended for herself, it was going to have to be the one she chose to live. It was apparent that her friends were not going to allow her out of this, that they would do whatever it takes to get her back to them. This knowledge simultaneously lifted her spirits and gave her the distinct feeling of being trapped.

"It's time." Rinoa had already grabbed her small bag and was making way for the door to their cabin. "Are you ready?"

"I don't think I ever will be," Selphie said in a small voice.

"It will be okay, there will be things that both of us have to go through, that both of us will have to deal with when we get back. As long as we stand tall, we can get through them together." Rinoa offered her best comforting smile, and saw it start to work on the wall that her friend had built up.

Something tore around the edges of Selphie's defenses, and she let it happen. A part of her desperately wanted to belong back in the group she once loved, but knowing that the sorceress herself was going to be at the Garden was a little much. Still, she could not resist Rinoa's smile, and even though she knew it was probably forced to get her to go along, it was enough. There were times when that was all it took, and Selphie was pretty certain that soon she would reach rock bottom and having anything she could reach out to grab would be one more thing to keep her steady.

"Like what?"

Blushing, Rinoa said, "I kind of didn't tell Squall that I was leaving. I was talking with Zell and felt like there was nothing I could do… and he mentioned you. I ran out of there as quickly as I realized where you were. Squall will like seeing that you are fine, but he's not going to be too happy with me when we get past that. During a rough time I ran from him."

Selphie pondered this for a minute, her brow creasing in thought. "Well, at least you know you made a difference now."

Those words slipped from her mouth partly because she thought that was something Rinoa needed to hear, but also because they were partly true. Though she did not wish to return to Garden, where would she have been if left in the tender care of General Caraway?

"You mean a lot to me, I have never taken our friendship for granted," Rinoa said plainly.

The two women stared at each other for a space of heartbeats before Selphie picked up her black backpack and followed the other woman out the door, into the hallway, which lead to the door of the train, which lead to the outside world. Garden was awaiting her, and she was filled with fear.

* * *

"God damnit," Zell said, pounding his fist into his mattress, nearly puncturing the material and hitting the metal springs. "Why the hell did this have to happen now?"

He stared across the room, eyeing himself in a mirror. Running up to it, he put one hand on either side and stared himself down. His eyes were swollen and pink, bloodshot from crying. Bags hung under his eyes, and tears streamed down his face.

How he wanted to be free of all these petty emotions that coursed through his body! Now he was filled with regret, wishing that he had never gone to Squall in the first place. But he had been scared, and weak, and made what he was quickly starting to think of the worst mistake in his life. How would he ever be able to face the man again, after all that had happened?

Part of him still pictured Squall towering over him, sword at the ready, bloodlust filling his eyes, ready to strike. At him. He knew that one more word and Squall would have killed him, then thought about it later. Obviously that is what had happened with Seifer.

"FUCK!" he cried, wanting more than this.

Maybe Selphie had the right idea, he thought. Maybe it is better for her now, without having to deal with all this every fucking day. He now found himself hoping that Rinoa had been wrong about where to find her and that she never did. He hoped that Selphie ran far enough that no one would ever be able to find her, and she could live out the rest of her days in peace.

His communication link beeped at him from his desk. Grunting, wishing he could will himself to ignore it, knowing he couldn't, he took the two steps across his room.

"Yes?" he said, deciding it was better to sound angry than hurt.

"It's me."

How dare Squall call him so soon! Filled with outrage, Zell shouted "What the fuck do you want?" into the link without realizing how angry he truly was.

There was a moment's silence before the man on the other end responded. "I just wanted to tell you that Rinoa and Selphie have just gotten off a train in Balamb, and are on their way back here. Sorry for calling…"

Zell had heard the message, and slammed the link closed between them. "Wonderful!" he screamed at the empty room.

So Selphie was being dragged back here too, then? There was no was either of them could possibly know what lay in store for them when they walked through those gates and entered this place. So much had changed so quickly…

Two people they had once interacted with were dead. Cid, their beloved Headmaster, was gone. And Seifer, bitter rival to everything they stood for, was out of the picture. He wondered how they would react, and then decided he would boil if he stayed in that room.

Changing quickly, he left and ran out to the training grounds. There had to be something to take his mind off everything there. There had to…

* * *

It hit her the moment she walked through the main gates that welcomed her back to her home.

"Rinoa…" she started.

The raven-haired girl turned around, giving Selphie a skeptical look. "Yeah?"

"I don't think I will be able to…" she motioned toward the school.

"What do you have to be afraid of? We're home now, everything will be okay. You'll see," she offered one of her biggest smiles and extended a hand toward the other girl. "Everything is better."

"I just feel something isn't right," Selphie replied, ignoring the hand that was held out to her. "I know that as soon as I step through those main doors, something horrible is going to happen."

"Like what?"

"I don't know!" Selphie cried.

Rinoa was finally starting to put everything into place. Realization donned in her eyes and Selphie was glad to see that, even though it was probably for all the reasons, Rinoa was beginning to understand her position. "Is there something that happened within this school that made you want to run?" She asked in a low voice.

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it? Please, Selphie, I am here for you. Tell me what is going on so I can help you."

Meeting her gaze, Selphie said, "Nothing happened inside the school. It is the school that's the problem. Not individual events, but the collective memories of pain and misery that I suffer each and every night. Knowing that this Garden remains unharmed while the one I grew up in after leaving the orphanage is still in ruins."

She paused, taking a great heaving breath, and Rinoa felt her heart crumble. This was not a place she could go where she would know what to do. In most situations she knew what to say, what action to take to make everything at least appear better. From all the things that she tried to ready herself, all the things Selphie might have said, what she did say was nowhere on the list.

"I am so sorry," she said, unsure of what else she could say to lighten the weight Selphie obviously carried around with her. Had the happy-go-lucky girl they had all known and loved only been a front for the tortured soul that hid beneath?

Together they made the trip back into the Garden which housed all their greatest demons.

* * *

The sun was setting and Selphie didn't know what was going on. As soon as they had entered the foyer to the school, Squall whisked Rinoa away and Selphie was escorted to her rooms, promises made that everything would be explained. She noticed that a lot of people weren't wandering around as usual and knew that something was up.

When she entered her room she slammed her bag on her bed, still unmade from the morning she fled in the first place. That seemed like so long ago, even though it had been only a little over a week.

Everything felt foreign to her around the Gardens, and she knew that could not stay there.

Sitting on the window ledge, watching the sun set, it hit her that she was going to have to leave again, that she did not want to know what the problem was, and why Squall was being so hush-hush about it. Eyeing the still packed bag, she knew that if she really wanted to, freedom could be hers once again.

There was a knock at the door, and Zell opened it without her giving him the go ahead. He poked his blonde head in and smiled his trademark half smirk, half dumb joy smile.

"Hey…" he started, then, upon noticing her crestfallen face, the smile faded from his face. "What's up?"

He slid effortlessly into the room and sat on the corner of her bed, suddenly looking uneasy. It was obvious that the perky girl was not happy here, and he should do something about that, but the words were not coming. Certain things had no words to answer, nothing that could be said to fix things.

And he knew how it felt.

Since he left Squall earlier that morning he felt lost, defeated. More and more it seemed that what Selphie did was the best option. How did she ever find the courage to go through with it? He wanted to ask her, but he knew that she wouldn't be able to give an adequate response. Whatever urged her to run was beyond articulation.

They sat in silence, both knowing what the other one was thinking, and respecting all that had passed.

"So this is it, right?" Selphie asked, turning her attention away from Zell and focusing back out the window, watching the last dying embers of daylight fade into the purple-black of twilight. This had always been her favorite time of day, when things blur. When lines fade and crash into one another. Black and white disappear, replaced with the gray area that filled her mind and body.

"I suppose so," Zell said, shaking his head. Then he remembered the reason he went to the room. "Squall wanted to invite you down to dinner. He promises to explain all that is happening."

"What if I can't go back there?"

Her voice was weak, small. It moved slowly across the room before hitting Zell, and he wanted to break down and cry for both of them. "Things are bad here," he said, but that didn't seem right.

"She lied…"

"Who?" Zell asked, rising from the bed and going to her side. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and squeezed. Both of them needed this human contact, both of them needed to feel alive. "Who lied?"

Selphie looked up at Zell, and something between anger and sadness mixing in her eyes. "Rinoa. She told me… that things would get better. Why don't they ever get better?"

Zell couldn't answer that. Why were there so many questions? He wanted to lie and tell her that everything was going to work out alright, but he couldn't find the strength to give her another fake feeling of solace. Her world had been shattered recently, and he couldn't bear to do it again. He would not subject her to that.

"We're friends, right?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Then can you trust me. If you go to dinner, things will at least make sense. I can't promise you that everything will work out and we'll all live happily ever after, but I can promise you some answers to questions I am sure you have."

She weakly gave a nod, and sent a thought out to the last ray of orange about the mountains in the distance. Keep me safe, let me live through this.


End file.
